things are just to different

today has been hard on some different levels...had t this morning before work and i really need to stop seeing her before work ..but its like we talked about family history..kinda going over what i remember and what i know type things..names and places...which in a sense is ok because its not like im calling names or revealing anything..but at the same time its not really okay either..cas once i start with all the easy stuff then the hard stuff will start slipping in..and still im not reacting as badly as i normally do..or how i have reacted in the past..and i think that is the part of it that is confusing me the most..its like im just waiting to see what is going to happen..how far she can go before she meets real resistance and refusal...she asked about being disciplined as a kid and i shut down really fast..she told me i shut down..i had all these thoughts going through my head and i could say them and i just kinda started drifting away...i asked her to change the subject...and we just kinda skipped it..but she let me know that that wouldnt be the end of it either...and im not real sure about that either..but i guess ill see..i cant do anything but wait..i know nothing real hard was figured out from what i told her today..but still im a little bit nervous...but thats it..and i dont know...i think im more nervous 'waiting' for the reaction to happen..waiting for something to happen....im waiting for all the upset feelings..for all the no breaking the rules feelings..and its not happening..and i dont know why...it bothers me that im not in 'crisis' all the time..that i cant ask for support or anything because theres nothing wrong with me..feeling ok makes me wonder why i need therapy or anything at all..i dont know