i ve been trying to write but just keep losing focu..s.sometimes i just want to give up and go away and not have to worry about all of these stuff..im tired..and i guess meds are starting to kick in some..it has seemed like this day has gone on for forever..it was so so so slow and dragged on...i finally got out of the house for a little while.....well the natural light bothered me for a while..it hurt my eyes and i just felt disconnected again..im so weird..but umm did like 5 loads of laundry today..and even put them away...still have some big things to do like sheets and towels but all clothes are done...and it took forever and i guess im proud for finishing it..but i couldnt do anything else today..it was just to much..will have to clean up the kitchen again tomorrow before leaving for work maybe...i really need to make a list so i can go to the store on thursday..we are just out of stuff and i feel responsible to get it..i guess..somehow..i dont know
watched precious today..it was hard...some parts i couldnt look at and had to stay slightly distracted throughout the movie..but in general i watched it..and managed ok..but then it got to the point where the mom explained her reasoning behind letting it happened...explained why she blamed her daughter for what happened..made excuses and then had the nerve to ask not to be judged..that upset me more than anything else..i could have managed fine if that part hadnt been in the movie..but i just cant deal with parents who are at fault for something happening to their children and then they blame the kid..they hate the kid..they try to make themselves feel better ..and its all a bunch of bs..how is it possible that parents do this stuff..and just leave there kids to suffer..it makes me upset..it hurts..it makes me sad..for the kids..for what has happened..but its never about me..im not sad about me at all..the movie itself isnt the worst ive seen dealing with abuse..i mean come on i watch lifetime all the time when im at home or when i had cable..i read books about abuse..i watch shows specifically that i know will trigger a reaction from me for the sake of seeing how it plays out..and sometimes the reactions are really bad..and sometimes they arent...but the one thing that i always see..is the mom blaming the kid..the mom choosing to place the child second to someone else..the mom wants the relationship with her husband or bf over the safety of the kid..and its not fair..its wrong..i cant understand how a parent can do that...how a parent can ever not put there kid first..it bothers me so so much..it makes me afraid ..and i hurt for all the kids who have been hurt, or not believed..all the kids who tried hard to get help and they were turned away for the needs of a parent..no its not fair at all..watching that movie today almost made me want a baby..but i had to remind myself that i would be a horrible parent..that i would get upset some day and do something stupid and my kid would hate me forever..i cant forget that..before i make a mistake and end up with a kid..how that would happen i still dont know..but yeah..sometimes my irrational thinking can take over really quickly..so i dont know..thoughts are just all over the place ..and i have to many questions in my head as usual
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