well..things are better i guess...im not feeling as hopelesss anymore..still super stressed and just worried but some of the panic is easing...i saw my therapist on tuesday and the first thing she said is that i seemed distressed, shut down in some way..that something was wrong but she couldnt figure out what..which is really shocking..you know..i work so hard to seem ok..and i seem to be failing at that lately..but there is so much going on in my head lately that going just once a week isnt helping as much either ..and i know i really cant afford twice a week..but i wish i could..just when i start to get comfortable talking its time for me to go...and its just hard..im trying to trust her but i dont know..still worried and anxious..i did tell her about the pdoc stuff and that it was upsetting me..because well my pdoc doesnt know that you cant tell me stuff like that..and then just let me leave..because it led to my irrational thinking just going all over the place..and so yeah..
im still feeling hurt about my old t...still sad..but no longer angry..still struggling to feel safe..but the world is not a dark dark unwelcoming place anymore..so i guess ill live some how...i still want to talk to her..i want to see her ..and be in her office..i still want someone to kind of take her place and that wont be happening...that makes me sad...she cant be replaced..but theres nothing to fill the hole she has left..i still struggle to put words into it and make sense of it...i still feel like i was just gotten rid of and i know thats not true..but im trying..
im not going home this weekend and i think that has lessened some of my stress too...im not sorry i cant go home..i honestly cant afford too..and so mommy cant argue with me about it..she cant..but now i know im going to have a quiet weekend here and im ok with that ..i have to clean up and stuff so yeah ...
tonight was a hard night at work...im tired..and stressed out..agitated..we had two girls run away...one came back by herself and one came back with the cops...the first girl though is the one who decided to lie about everything and start cursing me out..now i can deal with a lot of stuff..i can but being cursed at really gets to me..and it gets to me fast..and i tried hard to stay professional..i did..but i called the girl a liar, and got up and stopped talking to her..i asked the other staff to come and talk to her..i couldnt do it..because i know that being cursed at like that is a huge huge issue for me..and i just kind of immediately went into defense mode and needed to get away from her..i was mad..i was very very mad, and felt the need to argue with her, had i kept talking to her it would be been me going to her level and just ugh..i left the office and got the other staff but my agitation was so high, i was about to cry, and had to tell another resident to just not touch me..i couldnt deal with it..one of the therapist in the cottage at the time asked if i was ok..and i said yes..didnt matter that i looked like i was mad, or that i was so close to crying i didnt know what to do with myself..the therapist told me that my face didnt match what i said..but she didnt push me to talk..and i got a few minutes to calm down and collect myself..but i was done..i couldnt deal with anything else .. it was hard tonight..i really did ignore the particular girl for the rest of the night..i didnt talk to her or look at her because im not ready too...i dont want to talk to her..and im having trouble being professional about it..because from a professional stand point i HAVE to talk to her..from just a reg old me stand point..i want to hold a grudge and let her know i dont like her, or trust her, and i dont want to be in the same room as her...but thats being childish isnt it..thats just putting me on her level once again..and so im glad i have a few days to kinda calm down and just try to work my way through all the feelings...but i dont know..it was a struggle tonight..a big big struggle :(
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