just thinking

ive been feeling pretty quiet the past couple days...a lot on my mind but none of it is necessarily bad..just consuming...not even overwhelming which is really surprising me...i saw linda twice this week..and im glad i did..i am..we talked about lots of different stuff..work, life, the usual rambles..but the second time i saw her we ended up talking about therapy..i told her i thought i would be in therapy for the rest of my life..and i do think that..but after talking to her maybe i need to rethink it a little bit..i dont know yet..she explained the different types of therapy to me..and all that..and we talked about talking about past stuff and if it was important or not..and she told me that talking about the past isnt always something that has to be done..and that made me feel super happy..i immediately started trying to find a way to get out of talking about it..and that was enough to let me know that i needed to talk about it..well i need to talk about it..but im not ready yet..i dont know what to say..or what to do...but we were talking about it and as usual my defenses kicked into high gear..and i started thinking no nope, absolutely not talking about it..immediately the wall that kinda blocks everything came up too..but it was different this time..it wasnt as overwhelming..it didnt make me feel all over the place, suicidal, or super depressed...it made me a little sad..but none of the usual stuff that comes up with talking about talking and feeling like breaking the rules an all that..it is hard..and im trying to just not worry to much about it..cas its different and that means i have to just get used to it..but it is a little hard to wrap my head around..things really are starting to change..and im not sure how i like it yet..
it still makes me worried..and im scared ill be in trouble..but talking to linda may not kill me...but i havent decided yet..still just thinking about it..

but hmm dont know...started the new meds..and i think it is helping me focus a bit more...but it does make me more tired..but im hoping that will stop to in time..

also talked to my gyno doc..and the biopsy came back normal..she is keeping me on the medicine that i started for now and see how it goes...im upset that my insurance didnt cover the lab costs though..i owe almost $600 for that! and it sucks..i mean goo grief im struggling with money now and so to make it better my insurance goes all stupid ..ugh..its ridiculous..and so so soooooooooooooooo stupid...

gotta figure out money for may..and henrys graduation and cruise and all that..it is going to be a struggle...and somehow ill have to get it handled..cas ill have to drive down to his school..and pay for a hotel room and all that..and then money for traveling when it comes to the cruise and everything .. and then i have some car issues going on that i need to figure out money for too..ugh everything needs money! its so frustrating..im afraid that ill have to get a part time job ..but im trying to wait out the summer for that..before i start looking and all that..cas if i get a part time job i want it to be in something that is not connected in any way to social work or troubled kids..i want my part time job to be a break! but for now its just still an idea..im not sure how ill be able to handle a second job ..and all that..

so yeah..quite a few things going on...a lot to deal with but its not stressing me out so much..maybe im dealing with it better .. i dont know