disappointed

i dont think well i dont really know what im thinking today, just really disappointed with everything right now. i cant believe i just completely flaked on finishing paperwork, what in the world was i thinking because it took forever to start turning it in on time again..good grief and now its like ill be right back to where i was again a few months ago when i just completely didnt care and stopped turning any of it in..but i cant just wake up on morning and decide that i dont want to care anymore. it cant work like that because that will just get me in a whole lot of trouble since when i stop caring i kinda just dont really pay attention to anything and i do stuff but its like im just not into it completely..i dont know feeling weird today and just not happy with things..funny cas i was thinking this morning that im not suicidal at all you know and now its like well im not but im back to feeling sad..and given enough time the sadness with grow into something else..im starting to feel incredibly closed in again..maybe its trapped but i dont know what exactly has me trapped currently..everything is depressing lately and i need to stop watching the news at work because it is just horrible..someone is always dying or some kid is on trial for murder..and on and on and on..you would think they would something happier to put on the news or something..im tired and really cold right now..i think incredibly is my newest favorite word..or maybe its going to be irrevocably since twilight is coming out in a matter of weeks and i can quit asking henry to find me a bootleg copy of it. cant even put a finger on why i like the movie so much but anyhoo it comes out soon and then i can watch it as many times as i want to.

have been thinking a lot about everything i guess lately..i dont know ..i think about stuff for a while and then its gone before i really figure any of it out..makes life entertaining and so frustrating ..because im sure it was important since i was rambling on about it to myself but if i try to stop it and write it down then i forget what i was thinking about..im sure most of what i have been thinking about is all the stuff from therapy..which is a pretty broad subject to just sit and think about..but it does take a lot of time..and you know im doing a pretty good job distracting myself from something but i dont know what it is. maybe i really dont know how to say anything about stuff at home, maybe ive spent way to much time trying to work it all out and make it all better that actually having to talk about it and really pay attention to it makes me not want to do it..currently all of it is just being fed into a funnel type thing..ha makes me think of a tornado ..but its just moving to fast and its all smashed together and its just really hard to pull anything out and talk about it ..i can watch it all move, gosh ive been watching it all in various states for so long, ive never had to figure out how to stop it..and now i have to stop it and im not even sure thats possible..

nope still cant get any thing out