Growth

I was cleaning out my bag tonight and pulled out the razors that i have been holding onto for months..i had them and could have done any number of things with them but in all the months i carried them around in my bag i only used them once, after christmas. Then tonight when I was looking through my bag and cleaning it out I found the razors again and just started thinking about if i needed them or not. I dont htink i need them anymore, I dont want them anymore. So I threw them away, and it took a while to do it, second guessed myself a million times and wasnt sure if i was really wanting to go through with it or not. In the end i threw them away, all of them and manage to walk away from them. Writing this now makes me wonder if I will be ok, if ill be able to keep telling myself that I no longer need them. and im not sure. but maybe thats the whole point, if i was sure about it then it would have been a lot easier to throw them away months ago. if it wasnt a struggle then there would be no point in doing any of it. This time I do feel proud of myself, because the choice was mine, i didnt need anyone to tell me what the right or wrong thing to do was. i am okay with what i did.

I realized tonight that growing up really doesnt have anything at all to do with age, well in a literal sense it does. Its all the stuff that you do that doesnt get noticed I think, that makes it more important. Doing the things you know will make you happy, taking care of yourself. I know I am fully capable of living on my own, of being safe. I know there is more to life than what I have settled for and I know i have settled into a comfort zone that I am afraid to step out of. Change is always so very scary for me, but Im tired of all of it now. Not in a suicidal way mind you, but just thinking maybe change is good right now. Im tired of all the arguing and being upset, of being so easily manipulated into feeling completely horrible for no concrete reason and i let it happen. ive let it happen for so long without noticing what was going on. and now im learning that it doesnt have to be that way. That its ok to take care of myself. talking about stuff is still really iffy and way at the bottom of the list of things im going to be doing. but at least its on the list! its just that i always think to myself that i would never allow anyone to hit me ever again but then i let mommy yell at me like im not even there and its in a way doing the same thing, getting the same result i guess. both hurt in a some way, both leave me feeling horrible. why stop one and not the other? Why is one ok and one not?

just thinking