i really wish i had good or nice or even helpful to say.
ive been looking at this and trying to figure out what to say and cant come up with anything at all. today hasnt been good. the pills i have been keeping were to much of a temptation today. managed to go to work but really didnt care about that today, did not want to be at work at all. but it was safer being at work that being at home. called linda because i was worried. really worried that i would do something not good without the intent to die. talked to her and the options were getting rid of the pills or hospital stuff. and i still refuse the hospital, its just not a possibility. but didnt want to get rid of the pills either and she asked me to call her back when i got off of work and was at home again. she called me before i talked myself into calling her back..but i talked to her a bit and agreed to get rid of the pills and then i see her tomorrow anyway..not sure how i feel about any of it and its so confusing because i was ok all weekend, had a decent weekend and this morning things were just not ok anymore..and i wanted the pills but its like what i was thinking wasnt mine at all..just thoughts that were in my head and that i wanted to act on because they were so convincing..
im still waiting to get rid of the pills
i dont want to die but i want the pills
but ive promised to get rid of them and i will
just still working up to it i guess
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