i guess im ok

i keep trying to write and my mind keeps wandering on to other stuff and i dont want to write what im thinking about anyway. im ok just sad, tired, just lost i guess..i saw linda yesterday and it feels like it was forever ago.it feels like waiting another day and a few hours will be overwhelming.and idont want to do it. how can going two times a week not be enough to keep me ok? and now ive been given permission to call inbetween sessions just to touch base before things get really bad and im worried ill just call and call and call because i wont know what else to do..and i dont want to be a bother..but i know until friday i will refuse to call her..just because im still not sure how i feel about it ..not really..i know it will be helpful but knowing it and putting the knowledge to good use are not the same thing..i dont like it because it is like admitting that something is wrong..and i stop myself because i get scared..i dont like needing help.. i refuse to lose control..and at the same time im about half way between giving up control and maybe thats the part of it that im just not liking. i dont want to be needy person but someone pointed out to me last night while chatting that im not getting validation/support/caring from anyone else..and until she said it i hadnt figured that out i guess..but i want it so so much and i know that linda can only give so much..and i dont know what to do about it..yes i need her and want her to help and im awfully glad she can keep track of what the boundaries are because i cant..i dont know whats ok and whats not ok..i know the basics..i learned all that in school..i know what is acceptable and what isnt but at the same time i dont want to know it because it makes things difficult..obviously i cant go home with linda and i want to ..i want hugs from her but i cant ask for them.. i dont know how to ask for what i need because it makes me embarrassed to need something like that..i get hugs and stuff from riley and harris and the kids i work with and am around but its not the same..and with everyone else im still really stuck in dont touch me mode..and im not even sure i can let down my guard enough to accept a hug from her..its all confusing..