on edge

there really are no words to describe everything that happened today. feeling really upset and hurt still about everything. to make a long story short i have changed my mind, i will start looking for a job now. i cant stay here. i really really cant and it hurts alot even honestly acknowledging that.

mommy found out how much money i made this weekend babysitting and it was a bit more than i told her, so she tells me that shes hurt i lied, that i shouldnt have to lie about how much money i make. and i wanted to laugh and agree with her because its like no i shouldnt have to lie that she was right about..but i learned a long time ago to never tell how much i really made because she always managed to get some of whatever the babysitting money was. never even had a real job until i was half way through college. but even now she knows when i get paid, how much i make, and then tells me what i need to do with my money, what i need to pay, what i should or shouldnt be doing..but she says i can do what i want to do and then turns right around and tells me what im going to do. but its not her money, and she cant really have a say in what im doing with my money, because i know im using my extra money for therapy..but she doesnt know that and its not like im asking her to borrow money for anything at all..but shes all mad and pissed off at me now for lying and its like well when did i learn to do it? that whole telling mommy the complete truth is something that i know better than to do..specially when it comes to money..i dont think its wrong at all to expect her to give me gas money when im running back and forth to take her to work on top of all my other driving for my job..it was her bright idea to tell me to go and pick up my sister..again something i had no interest in doing but i did it..so why cant i ask for gas money? why does it make me bad to ask for gas money? when im doing something for someone else? if i had volunteered to do it then yea im not expecting someone to give me money..but mommy goes and volunteers gas money and my time and then gets mad when she finds out that i have more money than i tell her about..she told me i needed to quit my job and work somewhere else to make more money..that i needed to quit today .. she just went on and on and i almost considered you know telling her where all my extra money was going and decided against it..because thats just one more thing for her to hold over me..tell me im not capable to live alone or something for being in therapy..tell me i cant leave..but then later one i started thinking about it and thinking that maybe it would be best to stop going to therapy to just stop the money questions..but then started thinking about how long it would take to end up in the hospital if stopped going to t..was already set to go see her tomorrow and tell her i wouldnt be coming back..that i just cant be helped..that i was sorry for wasting her time..but ive calmed down since then..and i know it wouldnt be a good idea to stop going completely..but now im not real sure i can let go of the idea entirely either. theres still a huge part of me that despises having to own up to behaviors, to stop them..stopping therapy sounds like a good idea a little bit..but being completely logical its like fine stop and see how long it takes to try suicide..i wouldnt last a month.and thats pretty pathetic

started freaking out on the drive home..well on the drive to pick up mommy and then go home..paranoia set in pretty quickly..kept thinking she would hit me..and kept thinking that if she did i was leaving..was really scared and couldnt focus and drive cas kept thinking about everything that might happen..but none of it happened and i can calm down completely or lower my guard because as soon as i do she will bring it all back up again..and not expecting it will be worse in some way..harder to control answers when im surprised..and now with having to take her back and forth to work again..i know it will come up..it will it will it will.. its making me feel crazy..i know something will happen but i dont know when and so the waiting will drive me crazy..i cant calm down expecting something to happen and not knowing what it is..just cant