just stuff

in a very very removed place right now..neither good or bad i dont think..just not completely there. you know kinda that standing behind the screen door feeling..you know its there but you can see through it perfectly..just kinda cant really do anything i guess. i dont know its kinda hard to explain now..was thinking about it this morning when i realized that i was having issues with time again..thinking though it is a response to what happened yesterday with mommy and the nephew..all the stress of dealing with them fighting an then the cops coming. im glad he left and cant come back..but that didnt just make all the stress go away. it really sucks that the cops arent allowed to do anything until someone gets hurt. then they can do something but any sooner and they cant..and then when someone dies its a big big issue because the cops could have stopped it from happening i guess..and as much as i dont really like the way mommy is i cant just stand around and let someone else hit her or stuff..thats just not ok ..and i dont like the nephew anyway. but it was just hard yesterday and took a really really long time to calm down enough to even think clearly..i was already working on processing stuff from therapy and so i was thinking really fast any way about a lot of things already..and then mommy came home and her and him just wouldnt stop and leave each other alone.and it just got worse really fast and then i just couldnt deal with anything else being in my head and i couldnt get my thoughts under control enough to even feel a little bit settled and together..and it sucked becasue then i couldnt seem to get myself to calm down and finish a complete thought..hate when i stop thinking in complete sentences..because then it means that im getting all the younger fears to and that just gets overwhelming really fast

and therapy yesterday was ok i guess..asked her to wait until next month before having me come up with something to talk about for the session and she agreed to it..and i didnt even think i was serious about that until she agreed and it was like score.. but now i only have one more session of not having to think of what to talk about and thats ok..maybe i just need to get used to the idea a bit more..i dont know..she told me she will make sure not to forget either..and thats like crap shes gonna tell in again to think of something to talk about..but later on i latched on to the fact that she actually listened to me and did what i asked..gave me what i asked for..

.talked about control and stuff again..but started thinking about a lot of different stuff after leaving therapy and its just all about stuff we did as a kid..how more often than not we did what mommy wanted and just knew better than to object..tried to refuse for a while but she always won in the end...by the time i got into high school the desire to talk was gone completely..my last year of high school one of my teachers told me that my walls were to high..that i was trying really hard to protect myself..and i guess she was right..i think i managed to get through most days of school without being noticed at all..i went because it meant i wasnt at home or around mommy. but i didnt really do much more than turn in the work i had too..didnt join clubs or do anything like that..mommy took me to school and picked me up when i stopped riding the bus because of changing schools..i always called it more of being sheltered but maybe it was a lot more than that..no it was a lot more than that..because it was like being her in a way..i didnt get into trouble.. i did what i was expected to do..i was with her all the time or she knew where i was..i didnt do anything or ask to go anywhere..maybe it was just being scared..maybe it was just knowing the answer would be no and i didnt want to risk asking and then be told something mean for why i couldnt go anywhere..weekends were the worse i guess because that meant being stuck at home for two days without anywhere to go..that meant there was absolutely no way of escaping anywhere..not even being quiet could save you on the weekend..to many empty hours..
hmm i dont know..