things have been really hard ..well today is better but the weekend was really hard..had therapy on friday..and yea real soon im gonna have to stop going twice a week but she brought a few things to my attention and im really upset that she told me know..or that she didnt agree with the way i was thinking about things and told me its ok to look at it all differently and her diferent is not the same as mine but now im just mad that shes gone and managed to ruin plans ive had for years and didnt know i even really had them..it is overwhleming to realize that the plan all along is to die eventually..and t trying to work with me to think about it all differently is just not going so well..its hard to think of any of this and so of course its all that im thinking about..because it all just means knowing and believing that mommy wont change..and its not my responsibility to try...but keep thinking it is..keep thinking that i dont know what will happen if i dont keep trying..but then its just been something ive worked so hard on for so long..if i try hard enough it will be better..that if i come home and hope things will be better then they will be..but all i do is set myself up to be let down horribly..and its the same every time..its never good enough..theres always something that can be done better..faster..neater..its always something that i have to fix..and i had forgotten that somehow i worked it out in my head that once i was good enough for mommy it wouldnt even matter because then i would be dead andit would all be ok..the only problem in the plan is that now linda knows part of it and disagrees completely with it..and i didnt realize it would bother me so much to be told that it doesnt make sense..that i work so hard to change and be better when i cant be responsible for someone else..mainly mommy..but still..and then i was a bigger dork and mentioned i wasnt even sure mommy liked me..which dug up a whole lot of thoughts and feelings i didnt want..and couldnt seem to stop thinking about either..
ended up going out yesterday night but it was to do stuff for other ppl...mommys car is really messing up so i got to run errands with her for the weekend..and take her to work this morning which i didnt care about at all..but its just that she waits until 10 mins before she needs to leave and then 'asks' if i can take her..when she knew last night she had no way to get to work and didnt ask me then..no she waits and then can yell at me for being selfish for not wanting to do it..my schedule just isnt as important to her..doesnt matter at all what i was supposed to be doing or anything..
trying so hard to stay calm but just cant seem to let go of the anger of all thats going on..trying to figure out what it is that i want to do..a friend of mine sent me a message again last night letting me know that the place where she works is hiriing again...they were hiring months ago too and she told me and i said i would consider it and then forgot all about it..but now im wondering why i didnt do it the first time..cas of course she told me i could go and stay with her until i got set up and everything there...the only real draw back is that she is in oregon...like a three day drive from me..and that is a huge huge distance..talk about a huge huge change! but just something to consider i guess..because now i am going to look for another job..cant let go of the whole yea not a good place to be stuff now that its been brought to my attention..cant ignore it the same anymore..and it just hurts more..maybe moving and starting over somewhere will be a good thing..living alone again..or even staying with a friend is better than being at home currently..or maybe ill just randomly pick a state and go there and start over...ok so thats not the best plan lol..but just need to do something...and cant put everyone elses thoughts into it..because then ill just get stuck on mommy telling me what i need to do, or the kids i babysit mom telling me i should stay here..or everyone just adding in there thoughts on what i should be doing and then ill just end up stuck again..no its obviously not going to happen all tomorrow but at least im thinking about it again..
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