is it ?

is it really so bad to give up ? quit trying to know absolutely nothing at all? all this fighting and struggling to gain nothing at all. no peace of mind, no balance. Things are more screwed up now than they were a year ago. Its not that it just got worse, no its becoming freaking unbearable. i don't want to do it anymore, I don't want it to be like this forever. I don't.

-sigh-..i guess i can do a bit better than that..

when did things get to feeling so incredibly messed up? no i guess the better question is when did i become so aware of how messed up it all is..i want things to go back to the way they were when i kept myself in a complete bubble of nothingness..that would be good..that would be nice..but i cant get there anymore and its frustrating because all the thinking is i dont know..im tired of thinking and not figuring any of it out..and then i dont even tell linda any of it and i didnt realize i had gone completely quiet with her..somehow i missed that ..but shes right..im not telling her anything anymore..im not doing it on purpose..but its like my defenses are working overtime to make sure i dont say anything that im not supposed to say..which is almost all of it ...dont know where i learned it was better not to tell..had never really considered how much it is that mommy tells me what to say about stuff..until i mentioned it today..and how much i dont like being told what to say..but its like with her im just stupid and so for my own good mommy is there to make sure i say the right thing..but i dont get the chance to say anything..i dont get the chance to do anything..and so messing up is just a million times worse..or being expected to talk for myself is like crap i dont know what im supposed to say..and being in trouble is a really big deal but i dont know why because in my head i know that if mommy doesnt know im there then i cant be in trouble..but its just paranoia maybe because i stopped today without telling why it was so hard not being at home..makes me sound crazy to say that i was almost positive mommy would just randomly turn up at my school to check on me..to make sure i was being good..any car that looked like hers freaked me out..and if i was doing anything that could be possibly conceived as being wrong or fun or anything would get me in trouble..and it really was pretty bad then..but ive been gone long enough and gone back and forth enough to know that its not like that..still get the thoughts and it still freaks me out..because it makes me think im being followed or something..and its bad enough that she watches me all the time..and i hate being watched or looked at..all parts of being noticed..all ways to just be picked apart..i dont need any other ways to be picked apart..because mommy does it all the time and then i make it a point to wear stuff she doesnt like because its the only way to get back at her i guess.not that it matters..ill always just be wrong in some way..and i never ever want her to touch me..i moved away from her when she was doing something or getting ready to touch me and she asked why i did it..not like im gonna tell her that im afraid of being hit still..doesnt even matter that i havent been actually hit in almost 7 years i guess..i still think she will just turn around and hit me if i make her mad enough..and i wonder if that will be when i say im leaving and not coming back..im not ok with being hit but ill stay and be yelled at..no that doesnt make sense either..she said shes never done anything to hurt me and that shes been a good parent..and it makes me feel like a liar because no i dont remember everything but i know i was hit an awful lot..am i wrong? am i making it all up? but why would i make it up? its to tiring to make up! if i was making up my life i would have made it a whole lot nicer..id actually remember it too..yea that would prolly be an important part of things..but mommy goes and says something like that and i doubt it all..maybe im remembering it wrong..maybe im doing it all for attention..but i dont want attention..i cant want attention and want to be ignored at the same time..maybe i just dont want to know what happened but thats just stupid to..actually all of it is just stupid..and now that ive gotten that out guess ill move on..im tired and want to go home..but not home with mommy..i dont know where i want to go really and nights like this make me nervous because i dont know where to go to ease the anxiety and calm down..and i cant wander around all night..but theres no where to hide either..cant feel unsafe and not know why can you..like one of these days mommy will figure it all out and ill be in so much trouble..thats always the response to things..im going to be so dead if mommy find out..great way to live you know..constant fear..
nevermind