confusion as usual

just tired of all of it. dont want to deal with any of it. and to a point when around mommy for to long something just has to shut down, stop reacting to her, stop making trouble in a way i guess. stop listening, stop thinking, just agree with everything and let it go. but of course its the letting it go part that never completely works. i hate being treated like im stupid or completely incapable of doing anything at all. i dont need step by step directions to go mail a letter, i dont need to be told what way to drive to avoid traffic because im a bad driver. and i dont think im that bad of a driver anyway but its been over two years with my license and im still treated like i dont know what im doing and its worse when she is actually in the car with me. and then nights like last night happen where she is just mean and pushy with everyone. we stopped to pick up food to take home and she was just so rude about her food because it wasnt what she wanted, she stood at the check out line and made comments about everything they were doing for 20 mins. i told her it was mean, nia told her it was mean but she didnt care at all. it was pretty bad. told l her you cant go and treat ppl like that. not that it mattered. it doesnt make sense to me at all. all that stuff going on and it just makes me think about why im even bothering to stay. because i listen to her on the phone with other ppl telling them what they need to do, and that its important to do what they want and be happy and all this stuff and its like holy cow how is it that you can go and tell someone else that and just ignore what i want to do? shes never told me that i could do what i wanted to do. never once said anything like that to me. shes told me plenty of times what i need to do or what i should be doing. i dont know what ive done to make her not like me so much .. but then just started thinking about moving and all of that again and what i want to do because obviously mommy really just wants me to stay here and that is not going to happen either. every time sticking it out gets shorter and shorter. wanting to stay and try is just kinda slipping away because it is to hard to stay and constantly be yelled at. ok so maybe t is starting to get through to me. choice is mine, just have to make it and im not i will make the right choice. worried about what will happen after moving, where will we go, what will i be doing? stuff that shouldnt matter as much right now and it does..ive skipped the entire actually get a new job part or how long it will take or any of that. and im not counting in how long it will take to find a new job ... i forget about all of those parts. i just want to go..i almost dont care if i have a job or not..but thats a not ok plan..not having a job wont make things any easier at all..i should be happy i have a job even..but im back to part time and no real way to add in another person and that makes it hard to add on more hours..so no guess once again i dont know what to do really. hmm ok i know what to do but im not sure ill be able to do it. but being trapped here isnt the best idea either.

didnt sleep very good last night..dont know why just kept waking up. finally gave up a bit again and just got up. im so tired though, i want to sleep because if im still sleep then im not having to think of anything.