ive been thinking a whole heck of a lot this week..havent really wanted to but i guess ive been really stressed out about everything with therapy and then with work and then with home stuff..everything really is hard..but i think it is passing too..i mean just be to sad to try dealing with it anymore..but i think some of it is passing..
with work..i called my supervisor and told her that im not comfortable working with the kid and his mom and that i needed to talk to her asap. she was out so i just left a message. i feel better doing it..i feel better knowing i have indeed put my foot down and know that i am not ok having a kid tell lies like that about me when i never touched him..when i wasnt alone with him in a public library. i understand how serious it is..but the kid doesnt and that bothers me..because this time he was just mad i made him read and wouldnt let him have his way. what will happen next time he is mad at me? what would be go and tell his mom then? i cant get over that his mom isnt willing to deal with it more..isnt willing to even tell me what he said herself. why ask the other worker who wasnt there? why question it if i already told her myself what happened. she should know her kid..she should know when he is flat out lying..and she just lets me get away with it..this is my job..so no..i do happen to know im not ok with it and will not pretend to be ok with it at all..so ill have to wait and see..and it really does surprise me that im willing to put my foot down and stand up for myself with this..
on to a different subject..
ive been thinking a lot about suicide..not doing it but just suicide in general..and what it really means ...what does telling actually mean..because in my head its like giving up control completely..and now that ive exhausted every possible way of thinking about it im not sure anymore..i mean in my time online..because of the places i hang out..it is hard hearing ppl are in the hospital or someone has died..given this is online and it may be true it may not be true..but hearing it is enough to question you know..why didnt they tell..why didnt they ask for help..it makes me feel like a hypocrite because im completely willing to tell someone else to ask for help or to go to the hospital if they need to inorder to stay alive and here i am locking my jaw on the entire ordeal..i dont get it at all..again its like give and give and support someone else but then theres not enough left to support myself..i keep telling myself that i wouldnt do it..that i may think about it sometimes but i would never seriously try to do it..that i would screw it up..and if i did try and woke up in the hospital i would be in a whole lot of trouble..i have to be the only person in the world who would associate a failed suicide attempt with being in trouble..it really doesnt make any sense at all sometimes.the way i think about things..and sometimes i can make the best sense ever about the most off the wall stuff..but its just hard..i know i want to be ok with myself.i know i dont want to be unhappy and depressed for forever..but am i really willing to try to make it better..am i willing to really let someone help me do that. am i going to trust that she does care and will listen and make sure i stay alive..do i want her too..what do i want for my future? i say i cant see myself without the cutting and i really truly cant..i cant see anything in my future at all..i meant it when i told her i was lucky if i could see myself to the end of the week..every so often something comes up that i want to do and its like yea i have plenty of time..and sometimes it feels like i dont have time at all..that i have to cram everything in now because i dont know what will happen to me even a year from now...but then when i was really suicidal i didnt do anything..im still alive..hell ill be 25 this year..i never expected to make it past 18 or 21 or any other stupid birthday of mine..so maybe i should work on being ok with being alive..maybe there is a part of me that really does rebel at the thought of killing myself..maybe i do know what it really means..its prolly not a good thing that when i like about my ultimate goal in life all i can come up with is that i will kill myself in the end..some how thats what i want without wanting it..somehow its this great plan that ive put no thought into at all..its just there..underneath everything..eventually im sure i will have to give it more attention to figure out why i have thought it up..but for now its just something that i know is in my head but i can ignore for the most part..
sometimes i really hate my head.i hate how ive managed to work everything into this ball of being ok when its pretty obvious that its not..and so now having to look at it and i mean really look at it and wonder how i have it set up is really hard..its also really hard concentrating while in therapy..but thats something else..
and something else that has come up is that i am incredibly negative..which is something ive never really considered before..and i think it really is all just how im being looked at with it..because i would have said that i was just neutral ..you know..neither incredibly happy my views on the world or incredibly sad/upset with the world..and its like ok dont look at it like that..just on a personal level..not what other ppl see either..what are you more of..positive or negative? and i really hadnt thought about it like that at all..i want to say yea im positive but i know thats not true..it makes me unhappy to realize how negative i am towards myself..occasionally i think that im being mean to myself or rude..and i find it funny to threaten myself at times..but it all comes down to being negative as heck and it really doesnt matter if no one sees it..i can drive myself crazy in my head without putting much effort into it at all..i can make myself cry in my head and no one would know..because what i tell myself is more than just i hate you..given i can repeat it a million times a day but then no one would expect that from me..maybe thats how ive worked that one out..if no one knows then im not actually doing it..then its not as serious because its not like im just going to go an tell someone that i yell at myself in my head..that im highly critical because then they would ask why i do it..and that im not entirely sure about..why do i do it when i know i dont like it..its a habit doesnt seem to really cover it all..i want to say its just that im used to it..that its easier to do it before anyone else can..but still the big question is well then how taught you how to do it? and that i really cant answer..
there is this serious urge to just get away from everything..ill be happy with just a day or something..i really just want to pack a bag and go without telling anyone where ive gone..pick a random hotel somewhere and just chill out for a couple days..come up with some lie to answer mommies questions..that i know she will ask..but for now i know i cant do that..im currently spending the weekend with riley while his parents are out of town ..we went to the movies last night and saw get smart..it was funny..laughed through the entire movie..we came back and ended up having breakfast for dinner that riley cooked mostly by his self! i was proud of him..and then we watched the new disney movie and had a tickling war..it was fun..i dont mind staying with him at all..he is a little restless though lol..the weather isnt great today so i have no idea what we are going to do today..but he is still asleep for now..but im not at home and thats is enough for now..and wont be home until tomorrow afternoon some time most likely..and i dont even want to go then..i hate going home..
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