some times i realy do wonder how it is ppl can stay so motivated to do things.. to just stay on top of work and home life and fun and friends and family and everything..and fit it in and not break down...i can barely manage two things at once..much less all of that and expect to get anything done..right now work is suffereing because i cant focus..i dont want to do the paperwork..i know i have to turn it in if i want to get paid but i just cant bring myself to sit down and do it..im depressed with everything else thats going on and so work stuff outside of actually seeing my cls is whats taking the beating i guess...right now im two weeks behind on one set of paperwork and a week behind on another..im worried because i cant really explain why i havent done it..and its just hurting me in the long run because my paychecks will be screwed up..and i know that..i understand all of that..and i still cant bring myself to do it im sorry but saying i just dont want to do it wont help me..saying i sit down to write it and spend more time watching the hours tick by on the clock isnt going to help me..i keep saying im going to do it and then other stuff gets my attention..theres other stuff i just have to do and cant put off..i should be better at managing my time and getting things turned in and im not..i dont know how to do it..i dont set deadlines for myself because i know i wont keep them..and now i know i can turn them in late and its not that big of a deal so even the set deadline im playing with..and its going to get me into trouble soon..once its figured out that ive been not turning them in..sigh..it all sucks because its like im just digging myself this bigger hole and not gonna be able to get myself out of it if i dont stop now..because the paperwork doesnt stop if i dont turn it in..more is just added on and then it is even more overwhelming and im more behind..i need to get a grip or something...i just dont know...i dont want to do anything..i want to sleep..i want to stay in bed..i dont care about anything at all right now...i muster enough energy to go to work and thats all i can manage...
and had therapy yesterday..and first..i got around to agreeing that i would call if i was really suicidal didnt like it..but i guess it was one of those things i just had to do..whether i really wanted to our not..
and this came up yesterday so im still working out what i think about it all..
i think i just group cant and wont together..or maybe it has always just been i cant do something and not really i wont do something.
i was asked yesterday if i would say i was upset with my mom..and i thought about it and got distracted and stopped listening to her..and when i finally pulled myself back into her office so to speak..i told her that i cant do that..and she disagreed and told me i was fully capable of saying it i just wouldnt..and given i dont think ive ever really connected the two at all..and now it is confusing me..because on one hand the t is right in that i am fully capable of speaking the words and saying them..and on the other hand its like no cant do it..i dont know why or cant explain why..but its like i cant ...not even if i might semi want too...but now its like well maybe it is a wont type thing and a lot of the things i say i cant do are things i just wont do or im not ok doing..does that make sense?
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