it just feels like everything is just trapped in my head..to many things are going through my head and im trying to remember that im supposed to be trying you know..cutting is bad bad bad and ive done it once today already..but i just cant get past the thoughts..i want to hurt..i want to hurt something..anything..i dont care..i cant seem to calm myself down..i want to cry..my feelings are hurt..im worried about what ill say when i talk to my supervisor tomorrow..i know i have to talk to her because because if i dont ill just keep freaking out..this week has been just miserable..and its like ok what else can happen that hasnt already.. what else am i going to be expected to have to deal with..i dont want to deal with anything..i dont even what to have to deal with whats going on now..i think and think of ways to get out of it all and i come up with nothing..i cant see myself in the future..i can see myself stopping anything..i dont want too..and i know im just upset now and my thoughts will most likely change a million times in the next few days but for today i dont care..im sick of all of this..being at home is really getting to me in the worst way..but i know i cant afford to leave..i cant afford to do anything..i dont know what i want to do..im so agitated right now..i keep thinking..i want to sleep..i dont want to do anything else but sleep thats all..i cant sleep.i cant do anything..im writing and ill prolly right again and again and again and it wont change anything..i cant get my head to shut up and leave me alone..i cant think and all i do is think..i cant not think..i have to plan for what i dont know..but i have too..i have to do to many things.. i have to be everything im supposed to be and its a pain..its to much..i want to be left alone and everything seems to happen faster when i dont want to be bothered..i dont know what im doing at all.im sick of feelings..im sick of wanthing to cry..all week it hasnt gotten any better..its like everything happened at once..as soon as i got to the point of really questioning everything..
maybe..maybe i need to see about changing my appt for therapy to earlier than tues :( maybe noot though..cant really afford it as it is..lets not add on any more charges..
and maybe ill just do what i want to do and worry about everything else later..geez now im just managing to confuse myself..
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