....falling

things are just hard and really stressful right now..was talking about suicide with the t today..didnt mean for it to go there but thats where it ended up..theres so much yelling and arguing inside cas i dont know what to do..i dont know whats behind it all..not like actual suicide stuff but more of how to handle it with the t cas it makes me nervous having her worried about me. she told me shes worried..and i prolly didnt do much to ease her fears..i told her i wasnt currently suicidal and im not..but whats to say that wont change..whats to say i even want to be stopped if it made it that far? i dont like it being brought up to consider other ppls feelings when it comes to suicide..i dont even care enough about mine..yes im a horrible person..i wrote and wrote and wrote..i argued with myself all day today..almost made it to crying but stopped that..cant cry..to many other things in my head to deal with crying..i feel so many things..guess fear would be the huge underlying part but theres something else too..i hate not being able to figure it out ..and i know im completely worked up and freaking out about it and so its not helping at all and i cant figure it out because i cant get myself to calm down enough to think anymore..i need to calm down..i dont need to cut..right..maybe ill get around to beliving that if i keep reminding myself..

she told me today that she cared..


and here i am just freaking out big time over it all..because i hate that it all comes down to me and i dont know what i want at all..i want someone to tell me what to do..i want some miracle to happen and magically things will be ok and they wont be confusing and scary anymore..there is something very very wrong with owning up to the suicidal feelings and i dont know what it is..i dont want to know..all through the session today my head was noisy..i said no to everything..screamed no..refused to hear the doc. i forgot most of what was talked about..i dont even know how it got to talking about suicide..somehow it came up and she finally got around to asking if i would let her know if i was feeling that way..i told her no..i always say no because i hate anyone knowing i hate feeling like that..she told me shes not comfortable with that..and its my fault.. i could have said yes..i could have just said ok ill tell you..but i didnt..i couldnt..because then it would have been worse if i ever do try and dont tell her..then ive broken my word..and that wouldnt be good ..i dont know why i have to say no but i do...its beyond just being scared and stuff..i dont know..all day since i left her its been argument after argument in my head..and ones ive lost no less..how is it possible to lose and argument with myself?!..have a killer headache..want to not have to see her anymore..dont want to go back.bbut that would be running away..i dont want to run..or maybe i do.. i dont feel like i can handle anything at all right now..like im just breaking apart..more so than usual..i dont know what to do.. i swear if i wasnt actually in my body and couldnt go anywhere i think i would be floating off right about now..

think im just going to go lay down..mommy is back now and things are just not ok enough to try and deal with her and everything else..maybe laying down before she comes back home will help a little ..i dont know