lots lots and just lots of stuff going on

might as well start with the not so good stuff..

cut last night..two seperate times..arm and wrist..wasnt as disappointed as i thought i should be..but oh well..over and done with..

i am going to finish the applicatins for the other jobs and send them in..i may get an interview i may not..but sending in the applications is something..i dont want to look back and know i didnt try at all..but i am struggling yet again with the strengths part of the application and description of my jobs..thats alwaays so hard for me! but still going to try really hard and hopefully will be able to get them mailed off by thursday at the latest..

i was horrible last night..and didnt finish my paperwork:( i just couldnt do it last night..i couldnt handle it..and mommy was really puting me on edge.i was feeling so many things and just couldnt handle the paperwork..and i feel horrible for not doing it but i will finish it tonight and take it in tomorrow morning..i let the office person know i was bringing them tomorrow.

i found out today that im only a few hours from getting my early intervention certification! and that really was pretty awesome.

and had therapy today..left feeling so quiet and confused..but now i feel more settled than i have been in a while..just finally had someone tell me truthfully looking right at me what she thought when she saw my scars..again i was surprised i asked..but i wanted to know..i let her see my journal..and we talked a lot about how i am fully capable of nuturing myself it just takes a lot to get to that part of myself..i have more homework to do in that i ahve to answer the letter i wrote to myself..have been thinking aobut it but dont know yet what im going to write..i realized a few things today about cutting and how i just assume everyone raction to the scars will be bad and thats not always the case..i asked her if she was mad at me nad if she still liked me..it was hard asking but i had too..i needed to know..and her responses threw me for a loop big time...its hard looking at it all from another perspective..and ive done it before but i guess i just forget about it ..i know it would be scary and overwhleming to see the scars and know someone is a cutter..and we talked about that the cutting doesnt define who i am..thats not the only thing there is about me..

i told yvonne i was in therapy today..i told her i wasnt ok at home and that i made myself so back to therapy..it was scary waiting for her response because we were texting while i was at work..and she told me i could call her anytime if i needed anything..i told her i didnt want to talk about it now but that i would tell her more eventually..and i will at some point but im not ready right now..

i also realized that i have a few ppl i really need to thank for knowing about the cutting and still treating me like me and not making me feel bad for cutting and stuff..i forgot that a few ppl do know and still like me regardless and im rude at times and ignore there advice..and thats not nice at all.