labels..wrote this last week i think

lately ive been thinking a lot about labels and how much they really do have an impact on things..i mean if i consider myself to be something good or bad and then have someone else come along and agree then it becomes something that is real..something that is noticable by others...doesnt have to be a flaw or some brillant thing..but its just noticable..and then i could have something i know about and only i know about but no one else does..and its like ok then no one else can see it..no one else knows..so maybe imm making it up..maybe its not real..its not true..i dont know

then society thought up the ever so brillant dsm and its like thats the bible of psychology..if its not in the book then it cant possibly be true..if it doesnt have a name then i cant help you..if you dont fall into a set catergory or a set diagnosis then im sorry for you..geez does anyone ever wonder how many ppl fall through the cracks because they dont 'fit' into a catergory or cant be dx'd with anything because they only have 2 of 7 symptons? wheres the justice and fairness then?

but anyway..besides all the problems i have with the world of getting into ppls heads..the topic of labels just has to come up..and its not that i havent thought about it all before because i have..and normally i want to be the good person and say i dont care about labels at all you know..that i would never look at someone and like or not like them because of some dx..and for the most part and ok with other ppls labels whatever they may be..doesnt matter because its not who they are you know..you cant base someone or someones life on what a bunch of docs say about then..or what society has given them to put them into some nice neat little catergory..thats incredibly unfair and semijudgemental..because its like you are getting a warning about a person before you meet them but its done in a perfectly acceptable way..isnt that an oxymoron..im going to get a dx of being Schizophrenic and then be unable to live in the world because all anyone cares about is whether or not ive taken my meds or having an episode..because thats all most ppl know about it..thats the important stuff right?

(yes i really had a point to this)

its just unfair i guess..its one of those things that on one hand is really good and on another its really bad..i would like to be able to say labels are a bunch of bs and no one should care about them at all..but then without them ppl wouldnt know what was wrong with them..there would be mo relief..but theres also no way to get over the labels..to move past them into something else..once your an alcoholic your always going to be labeled an alcoholic..maybe at some point it will turn into being a recovered alcoholic but notice the alcoholic part never goes away...you will always be recovering..working on it..but never really beating it in the eyes of society and what is normal and good..

i do hate that ive been labeled..i hate that ive labeled myself..because somehow i found what it is thats possibly wrong with me..and to some degree i can ignore them all..you know ..they are just words that someone wrote down and attached to my name..but on a deeper level i hate it more than anything else because maybe someone else is able to see past it all but i cant..i know ill always be a cutter..or the recovering cutter or recovering whatever..thats all it will ever be..recovering or survivor ..and i dont want that..i dont want to be known as the one who was crazy or had to spend a million years in therapy just inorder to function without being suicidal..it all seems so trival just writing about it.llike i could be spending my time tackling world hunger or something but instead im choosing to attack society and all its stupid norms and regulations and ideas..until my doc mentioned it last week i really had never considered anything outside of being known as just what ive been labeled..there was nothing else..because if i kept hiding it then no one would know..no one would bother asking..and i can manage and function and do my job and do whats expected of me..and live..but in my head..all i could see was the scars..the hurt..the pain..it didnt matter what anyone else had to say because i had already condemned myself without any help..out of protection most likely..if i can barely believe it how could anyone else believe it?

lately i have been reminding myself to stop saying im crazy..to stop making a million excuses to make things ok when they arent..and i could almost almost wish that i had never bothered trying to change anything..

sorry for the rant