cant decide

so...things are ..i dont know ..freaked for some odd reason yesterday night..and really wanted to cut but wrote instead..i wasnt pleased but by the end i was so distracted and worn out that the energy and drive to cut was gone..hmm well not completely gone but it wasnt the most pressing thought anymore...so that was good maybe..

hmm applying for a few new jobs..3 to be exact because i callthe the employment place and they said i could apply for as many as i wanted as long as i did a seperate application for each one..im only aply for 3 though..of the social work jobs..and i feel so guilty i dont know what to do with myself..i have a job and its like im doing something wrong by applying for another one i dont get my head at times..i do want something more challenging..we need to get out of living at home because i wonder how long ill last some days..and more money would help that..heck just doing something that makes me use my head would be good..i feel like im wasting my degree some days..because i go to work and you know just hang out, or color or go bowling..and yes im helping my cl..im his friend in a lot of ways..but theres still that this is work line..this isnt really just going and hanging out..but thats what it feels like..i dont know if ill get any of the jobs..but i would feel stupider for not at least trying because i am qualified..its funny reading the requirements and its like holy cow i really can apply for something because i have a degree..was a little proud of myself for calling the employment place in the first place. the guy i talked to was really nice and answered what few questions i had and told me what i needed to do for the application and things. ive been working on the applications and hence have come to realize again why it is i hate filling them out..i get so confused when it comes to writing out the job descriptions..i know what i do but i dont know how to write it..or make it sound like im actually doing something..i hate that..it annoys the crap out of me because it all comes down to talking about your strengths and i just want to argue that i dont have any why do jobs have to care so much about strengths (ok dont answer that i already know lol) but i do plan on talking to the T about it tomorrow..because i think ill just stress and stress about it if i dont ..and maybe she will be able to ease my fears...hence ill have to end up messing around with bills to even pay for therapy..blah..but if i got this job i would get benefits and hopefully will get to stop paying out of pocket for therapy..