tired

writing a lot lately b ut if i dont then my head will just explode or something...im tired but i know i was sleeping last night and at the same time it feels like i stayed up all night not sleeping...i guess i was just stuck somewhere between really sleeping and being half awake...all the same im up now and ready to go back to bed...ive been eating a heck of a lot of ice lately and im starting to think i need to go back and have my iron checked...lucky guess tells me its lower than it was the last time they checked and i havent really helped it much since i stopped taking the vitamins i was supposed to take months ago...ill go after christmas i guess and let them tell me the bad news but im not sure i want to go do that either because i dont want to have to take iron pills when i can barely remember to take anything else on time...blah one more thing ill have to worry about or i could just keep doing what im doing and sleep away most of the day...so anyway last night i was up not sleep talking to myself and trying to figure out what my head is trying to tell me...talk about cryptic messages good grief i could drive myself crazy trying to figure my head out...a lot of what i was thinking about anyway had to do with going back to therapy and realizing that i dont really what to go back...outside of just missing my doc i was never good at the talking thing and having to talk just makes me not want to bother with it...the other part knows ive reached my limit of figuring things out myself and i just kinda need someone elses thoughts on things to get any farther or at least get some sort of validation i guess...i thought about my notebooks to the latest one i have and i have a lot of different things in there and i know i have a lot of things in this one but im not sure i can just hand over my notebook right now...and since i know im horrible at getting things started i might just relent and let her have the link to this journal and try hard not to stress about it..within reason though and im pretty sure i wouldnt let her read the comments and what not but i havent decided yet if im gonna give her the link to it...when i told her i had an online she said i could give her the link but at the time i said no because it made me nervous but now i dont know..yea it still makes me nervous and feel really vulnerable which i dont like either but im sure somewhere in my head i know im gonna have to start making huge sacrifices one way or another before i manage to kill myself to put it bluntly...i guess i can be extremly good at getting thigns out in writing..and if she reads it then in someways that makes things a little easier for me but ill still have to explain a lot of it..maybe i just tire myself out constantly thinking up questions that dont have answers and trying to make things better without knowing what im doingg...except for some far off goal to die i dont really know what im doing..and i say that alot lately because its true but then i have to think about who i can go to that has the answers i want and i cant think of anyone...from my human behavior classes ive learned a theory that says ppl in therapy really do have all the answers they need to get 'better' they just need a little help finding them and understanding them and in some ways i completely agree with that but more in a general sort of way..having to apply it to myself makes me want to call the whole thing a bunch of bull and leave it alone but that wont work either because i actually like the theory...its just hard for me to believe i have the answers to fix myself and i havent done it yet..there are a lot of subjects that just thinking about them makes me want to shut down and forget i have to say anything...i swear its like having locked doors in my head that im not allowed to open..maybe i dont want to know everything but then having huge blanks doesnt make me feel better either...either way i dont come out winning...i think i would just end up hurting more and well yea ignoring things doesnt make them go away but that doesnt stop me from trying...admitting things just sucks royally really they do...once i admit anything it all becomes true and no one has bothered asking if i want to know the truth...i guess its assumed i want to since im in therapy and supposedly working and dealing iwth all of this stuff and i could swear up and down i havent worked on anything but i guess that counts as a lie too...there are things i dont realize until i have them explained to me more than once by arran..i would think she would get tired explaining the same things over and over because it would seem like i wasnt listening but i do listen i just get a little stuck hearing some things and forget or not believe it and it takes me forever to think about somethings and find a conclusion i can work with...some things i cant figure out at all no matter how many times shes tells me and i cant explain my reasoning for not being able to without seeming like i just dont want too...it makes me seem like a whinning kid and as much as i do yell at myself to grow up and deal with it i cant..it doesnt work..age is such a stupid thing ..i want to say leave me alone and let me be a kid but im not a kid...im supposed to be an adult and do adult things but i dont know how to be an adult at least not really...i can do all the regular stuff like paying bills and having a job if i bothered looking and all of that but there has to be more to being an adult than that? maybe i just dont want to be an adult, i would say i want to be five again but i cant really remember being five...its kinda hard not being able to recall being a kid at all...i know i had to have been one but its like one morning i just woke up and i wasnt a kid anymore...no matter how hard i think about it or try to make myself remember it seems like the farther away it gets from me...maybe soon ill forget completely and not be able to bring any of it back..who knows...i was thinking about depression last night and well it came up because i took this assesment online the other day from someplace and it said i had major depressive tendencies and that might be fine and dandy but i dont think thats really true...i might be depressed and everything but my level of functioning doesnt change that much..i still get out of bed and go to class becasue i have to..i might spend more time sleeping or just laying in bed when i dont have nothing to do but i dont spend days in bed doing nothing...and ive seem my dx and not that i would outright disagree with it..and i always forget which type of depression i have is called i think that one is right...as if that just made any sense at all..but its just more of an on going thing...it doesnt go away and sure i hide it extremely well but all the same i have a heck of a hard time remembering a time when i was really happy for longer than a few hours at a time....that just sucks too..i mean i had to have been happy at some point right? when i wasnt wishing for a million ways to die or something there had to be something that made me happy and stuck with me..and i cant think of anything that was longer than a day at a time..and thats pushing it because im not even sure it was a full day...my stupid happiness comes at the weirdest times and never ever stays long...maybe i am bipolar..but that wouldnt work either because i dont get manic..that could be fun but its not me...borderline ok fine but thats juts mostly for the cutting thing...i mean yea i fit the guidelines for it and if i thought about it anymore i would swear i could have written the definition but i dont know...maybe knowing im borderline gives me an excuse to do what i do..not that i use it like that because only a few ppl even know and its not like i blame it on that or anything...its just i know and thats enough...so now im just thinking i need to stop talking to myself before i go to sleep...but anyway i thought about cutting last night too not actually cutting because i had done that earlier but it was more of why wont i stop kinda thing....not even looking at the scars makes me really want to stop anymore and that worrys me...ive gotten way more dependent on it lately and its a step away from being a need, like eating or sleeping...and that would be bad, very very very bad...and me knowing that doesnt make me feel any better because given enough time i could find a way to explain it off and make it as ok as it could get...without letting myself end up in the hospital...its like walking that very very fine line between life and death without crossing over to either side..yes im alive and living but not because i want to be i dont think..its becausae i have to be..ive had a couple talks about suicide with arran and im pretty sure they werent directly related to me because if they had been i prolly would have been in and out of the hospital a dozen times but anyway...i never come right out and say it and all the times i could convince myself it would work i end up being very alone at the time...and as bad as that is and as bad as it can get i know i wont do it either...i was trying to think of reasons why last night and i got my usual one of not wanting harris to find out and know that i had done it but the past couple days when i think about it im coming up with a new answer...i dont want to die without knowing what real love feels like and i know why im thinking of it and it just sucks because i dont think ill ever find that out and im not talking the love i have for riley and harris or for my family thati actually like but for like someone my age who would know enough about me to know what i do and not tell me to go to hell..i really want to be upset with yvonne for getting a boyfriend and leaving me out because she is doing something that i know nothing about and i dont want to know anything about because i wouldnt be able to handle it but i want it all the same...i want what she has but i cant get that because i can barely tolerate myself on a good day much less have to tolerate someone else in a love kinda way...prolly a good thing i know that but that doesnt make me feel any better about things at all...and then that of course brings up the issue of me not even being able to decide which i like better...for all teh safety reasons i can think up i would rather everyone left me alone from a relationship stand point..but when i want to really think about it i know im not completely comfortable around guys...i just associate guys with being hurt and i really dont know where that comes from...just something i know i guess and leave it to me to get into a bad relationship and not be able to get out of it...just what i dont need someone else getting at me for who i am when i can do that prefectly fine by myself....i dont really care if im yelling at myself or something but it makes it different if someone else is doing it...guess thats one of those things i cant explain to anyone in a good way...i have so many background conversations in my head all the time..things i should say, things i shouldnt say, things that im not sure about saying and i have to go back and forth trying to decide what i can and cant say to keep myself out of trouble and its like most of the time its not like i would get in trouble anyway...its just gotten to the point of me looking for and then trying to avoid getting into trouble by talking and end up not saying anything no matter how much i want to...yes i can have a whole argument with myself without saying a word and lose..how in the heck can i lose an arguement with myself? its like im squaring off against myself and even then the odds arent good if i cant even win...sometimes it feels like ive broken up and the sides are just going at each other...saying i hate you really has no affect anymore its in my head so much...sometimes i dont know where the accusations i can come up with come from....like far off there is something going on that i either dont know about or ive forgotten about completely and i cant explain it...prolly wouldnt be the best time to bring up having voices in my head lol...but thats just kinda what it feels like at times..watching people argue with one side having way more ammo and way more ways to hurt the other side to get them to back down...doesnt make any sense i guess...but good grief its a huge battle being with arran and having her ask me things that i know the answers to but im just completely afraid to say anything...you know its not even her im worried about, its me and when i start thinking talking is off limits my levels of revenge i can come up with when i want to for doing something i dont want to do can get creative...making idle threats are my favortie though because i can just scare myself without having to do anything about it....i dont think i believe that anyone can protect me and i have to do it but protecting myself isnt working out so hot considering what it takes for to keep things undercontrol...im like a walking lie..yvonne could swear up and down that i dont have a problem in the world...everyone is surprised when i say im stressed and so i dont say it...i will be fine until i end up in the hospital and then everyone will know how so wrong they were about me...after the thing with my teachers and having to go to the meeting and talk to them and the contract i talked about breakdowns and crying with someone...because it had been on my mind and everything and even with all of that stuff happening i didnt cry once..at points there were times i just wanted to sitdown and cry and let someone else make things better but i didnt because it just seems wrong to cry or ask for help when the reason its all happening is my fault...its the same with cutting or burning or purging and its gotten to the point of really hurting and i just want to cry and go tell someone what ive done but i cant because its not like im sick or someone else hurt me...i did it and i knew what i was doing when i did it and that makes it my fault and im not allowed to cry about it...its against the rules, i just dont know whose rules they are...i know when i was younger and mommy told me once not to cry without having something to cry about and to stop being a baby crying all the time...i dont cry anymore without a very good reason...ive cried twice in the past 4 months..serious crying that gives me a headache afterwards and i completely hated it but cried all the same...the last time being when things didnt work out and i missed my stupid appt...if i cry then things have gotten beyond my control completely and im at a lost as to what im supposed to do...so yea crying isnt on my list of things i like doing at all...but to get back on track when we talked about breakdowns i dont know...yea i told him i dont want to be there when i do manage to breakdown bbecause i dont know what will happen..thats like a complete lose of control in everything and expecting someone else to fix things and make it better..really if i ever get to that point it would be a waste of time trying to bother fixing me...if it got to that point im pretty sure i could make suicide work...all the same i dont plan on breaking down..i can control my emotions pretty well so it would seem when i have too...but controlling them that much makes me almost forget i have them...and having to work on acknowledging them and all of that makes it hard to keep them away from me...the harder im pushed to notice them the harder i fight to forget them and its not like i arent there i just dont know what they are...i know the basic happy, sad, mad...but when im looking at a list of emotions and there are so many of them i dont know how to catergize them i dont know what most of them feel like anyway...i cant label them if i dont know what they are..

im tired of writing now..considering ive been at it for over an hour and a half..didnt mean on writing this much...didnt even mean to write half of this..just kinda happened..oh well for whoever gets stuck bothering to read it!