not feeling good

im not feeling good at all right now....major headache and i took some meds to let me sleep and there went the afternoon...dont think it really helped any...im still so sleepy im ready to just fall over but i woke up to i dont know just be awake and since i woke up still feeling sick i took a shower to see if it would help any and it did for a few minutes but now that im sitting here again im back to feeling sick and headachy :( i was feeling guilty this morning for i dont know what and cleaned most of the house today..but them my headache got the better of me and i went to take a nap for a while...and now i feel bad that i didnt finish...i swear im getting crazy i mean cleaning today was like i was just waiting for my mom to walk in and completely go at it for me letting the house just get so unclean...and i know she cant just really drop in with me knowing it since its a 2 hour drive here anyway but i was just so positive i was going to get in trouble i just cleaned anyway 8o weird i guess

things have just been so off for me since the whole i suck and missed my appt bit...im not sure i want to call and make a new one...im not sure about anything right now except the huge desire to completely hurt and not care....i havent cut since yesterday and im trying hard not to but who knows...i just blame myself for all of it and there is so much going on and i dont know what to do...i was at one of my end of the year social things and a girl i knew was just standing there and starting rubbing my back and it felt so comforting and nice and i didnt want it to stop and that just made me want to cry:\...im feeling this need to be comforted and its not getting filled and ignoring it is making me feel worse outside of the general i think im coming down with a cold feeling...i hmm i just dont know..its not like its a i want a guy to comfort me feeling either cas just thinking about that makes me want to gag and move :p but just a more general i want my mommy feeling...the problem with that is i wont be getting that and it makes me just want to yell at myself for being such a baby and not able to handle things at all....things just suck right now...i cant decide if i want to go see one of my teachers on monday and then im not sure ill make it to monday and be completely safe...im not sure if i want to call the crisis hotline or just sleep away the weekend and hope i feel better next week...next week classes end for the semester too and i was supposed to be doing work for that this weekend and im not and i dont need any more stress to add on to things right now :|

i just need to get a grip