thinking about it today i really cant believe christmas is this weekend..it feels nothing like christmas and ive been in a horrible mood and just not really looking forward to it at all...i found out today that in addition to going to chicago we are going to michigan and its bad enough having to be stuck in the car for that long just to go to chicago but going from one place to another in the car in the span of like 4 days is just a lot of sitting still...it gets annoying after a while and we are just taking the reg car and i just know ill end up sitting next to mommy and already im nervous and scareda bout it...never know what will happen in close spaces with mommy and its not like my wrist is up to being noticed much...im just glad it will be horribly cold there...which reminds me i need to find my boots and get them out...
today really hasnt been one of my better days and its all i can do not to go and cut and ive thought about it enough to explain away why i did it and the more i think about it the more i know ill do it before i wake up tomorrow..i just want to hurt in a way..no clear reason why just a random need to know ive done something im not supposed to do i think..still feeling horrible for thinking about it though..i dont know..beisdes being a major pig lately and thats stopping to if i have to convince myself of something stupid to do it...still i have been eating way to much and going home does suck in the aspect that i cant eat the way i normally do and its hard being home with all the junk food around when i dont even allow myself to buy it at school...sucks but ill get it under control again and without b/p..cant do that at home..actually just to big of a chance of getting caught at home and so i cant do it...which in itself is a big deal for me but to the avg person i guess it isnt..oh well iguess..i think im just throwing myself a pity party..and a one person pity party is just blah but good grief i can be really depressing when i want to be
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