realistic or not

this is mostly a post about food so ill spare anyone the trouble of having to read it and suffer through my rambles

so its been decided finally and accepted halfway that i have an ed if i want to admit or not...the fact that i b/p on purpose is evidence enough and even if i dont do it everyday does not make that go away...no matter how much i might want it to and talking to jenny helps me realize that...but well things are just getting weird i guess..i mean i eat and lately i have ppl questioning just what it is i am eating and its not like im starving most of the time...there are times like now when i dont eat for a reason and it might not be a good reason but it works all the same...so anyway after completely binging today and talking myself out of purging ive gone back to thinking seriously about not eating bread and cheese any more...and its not like i couldnt do it and stick to it given enough time its just thinking about that brings back into focus just how much i dont eat and how if i take out bread and cheese ill be eating next to nothing...and i dont have problem with that its just that i am trying to be halfway reasonable and it just doesnt make sense for me to do that and yet i really really want to jjust to see what will happen....i would say it would just leave really healthy stuff for me to eat but then i know vegetables arent high on my list of foods to eat and that pretty much leaves me to eating fruit and salad for the most part...sometimes other things but not much...and its not even a matter of hiding it since most of the time i eat alone...it sjust im trying not to fall into something i cant get out of....and now that im done being completely logical and thoughtful on it i know that ill do it anyway...i mean ill just do it enough that i dont have everyone swamping me with concern until i want it at least and i can say i know exactly what im doing..because ill just go home and get the speech about giving up bread anyway...but then ill just have to listen to mommy swear im starving and not getting the right vitamins and its like i just cant make anyone happy these days.... no matter what i do :( kinda sucks but i can fall back on old habits i guess...i can handle it better than people might think and its not that it bothers me i just i dont know..its not really about control and since i am trying hard lately not to start purging again ill go back to not really eating and see what happens...although i do like the feeling i get after purging...but thats is slightly dangerous and so ill try hard not to do it but not eating is a whole nother area i guess and its one or the other but i cant have both...if i had i choice i would pick a over m but im just better at the whole b/p thing...sometimes i swear dusti watches me and just gives me looks that tell me to stop what im doing and i cant...oh well