random junk

been a while since i wrote...and at first i just didnt feel like writing anything because i was thinking about to many different things..but then it just turned into i didnt care if i ever wrote again or not..but i at least halfway like my boring blog thingy so i started caring again...writing here is one of the easiest ways to give my head a break and i really should have written the night i cut but i didnt...i wanted to talk but no one was around..so i didnt do anything but cut and it worked..and then i figured out of course that i shouldnt have cut..update on the randomness of my life lately...the burns i did last time a couple of them started getting blisters..one was really bad and hurt like hell and i couldnt not keep a bandaid on it because that just made it worse..i was almost ready to go to the doc but i didnt..its getting better now...i really dont know first aid for burns and that worrys me some because someone told me they arent supposed to peel and i let all of them peel because then at least i know when they are getting better...burning is a lot harsher than cutting..i cant tell how bad it is until its pretty much to late to do anything about it..at least if im cutting i know how bad it is right then...burning just gets out of hand a lot faster and it scares me...the last ones scared me...i cant keep burning and i know that and that scares me more...i really hate that i will have to give all of it up..regardless of the small fact that giving them up will keep me alive..maybe..right now im not sure if i want to be alive...i dont know if i will be alive..i could say it would be some random thing that just happens but it wont be...that should prolly worry me more than it does...im not planning anything though..nothing for the near future anyway...i know im going somewhere with riley and harris in oct and im trying really hard to hang around for that...that makes me mondo shallow but oh well it works good enough...so what made me cut the other night..i was watching my fav reality show antm and i love the show for a few reasons and it was the season finale...and once upon a time i did want to model at least a little bit for no real reason..just something to do and now its just like yea right what can you model/?? it wouldnt work and i couldnt do it..i went through a lot of thoughts that night and none of them were to good...so anyway i started cutting my wrist again and it worked better than i thought it would..when i trade cutting for burning i always forget how much better cutting is...morbid most likely but i cant really help that...so anyway it was a sucky night and then the next day i get sucked into dropping by my teachers office...the convo we had was really interesting though and over all im glad i stopped by..but theres still a teacher/student boundary there .. and i really do refuse to cross it, she asked how i was and i immediatly said fine truthful or not that was all she was getting...we talked about class and the discussion we had in class earlier that day that pissed me off big time...i ha ve huge issues with gender roles/rules..they just literally suck for females and guys have it way to easy...she posted my question on the message boards for the class though...we talked about why i dont talk too kinda..more like she questioned and i couldnt remember any of the 'whys' its really weird trying to go back through years of half thoughts to come up with the simplest answer to the easiest question...it sucks because if i cant remember then what am i doing? i really want to email my other teacher but i dont know what to say to her..im not thinking its cool for a student to just email to say hi...so ive been trying to come up with something to say to her to give me a reason to email her..so i havent figured everything out yet..so now im writing to just drive myself crazy..im going home for the weekend...i hadnt planned on going but my mom said she was coming to pick me up in not so many words .. so home i go hopefully ill be able to work some while im home ...im really not looking forward to it...since company is visiting for that weekend most likely ill be stuck cleaning the house when i get home...and what ive done lately is just screaming to be noticed..this is one of those night when im really hating myself..guess i figured out what is making me sad...sucks to be me right now...i start work tomorrow though...bright and freaking early at 8 so i hve to wake up at 6 to be ready in time to walk to the other bus stop...its really getting to me that we have to walk to the othe stop...i dont like walking by myself back and forth out of the complex and behind the stores..it really creeps me out..i keep my razors in my bag just to have them there..this weekend was talys birthday and her party was fun although she figured it out when she was walking in the house because we had left our bags in the chair and she saw them before she found us...the cake didnt turn out right but it was still decent...it could have been a lot better..so i suck..but any way of course i spent the night drinking and i have no idea what i drunk like number wise but it was a lot and i wasnt as drunk but i wasnt caring about much when we headed downtown..downtown was not my night though..way to many guys touching me way to much...i was constantly moving hands off of me..normaly if ive been drinking im tolerance for being touched goes way down and i dont mind being hugged by the ppl i came with...but that night it was way to much, there are some places where i refuse anyone touching me and god ppls hands were moving way to fast...and being asked to go home with some guy i dont know is really crossing the line and i sobered up really quick as the night went on..i know taly would never let me go home with anyone and i had either her or angies hand when we were walking and things....but all the same ive had enough of clubs for now..i have no desire to go back anytime soon...i wasnt happy by the time we left..and being in the car with a driver who had been drinking was not the smartest thing ive ever done but i do it every time almost and i really should know better...its just that at that moment it doesnt matter...still not safe..so anyway dusti is her usual bright self and sleeping in my chair...she lets yvonne pick her up now with out running away..she has gotten a lot calmer..although now we have had to start using a water gun to stop her from climbing yvonnes bookcase and things..i use it on the puppy to..they both run as soon as they see it..kinda funny and i still feel a bit bad about using it on them but it works...but im heading to bed..im tired after writing all of that and not in a great mood so bed is a good idea...and i have to be up really early so i have to go to bed anyway