just being

its not often i complain about anything i do to myself...but im complaining now...i shouldnt have burned around my ribs...they are getting irriated..they just flat out hurt like hell...a lot of the burns are forming blisters...i was a dumb ass and gave myself more than one 2nd degree burn without meaning too..it hurts to sit up or bend over...im alright with walking now..those are ok...really upset about what ive done...positivly hating what ive done...all of it just makes me want to go do something mean to myself...but im already mean to myself so thats nothing new...

went to see arran today and everytime i go see her the more i want to tell her ill come back next week instead of the week after but i dont...i dont know why ..just scared i guess...she hasnt asked about my cutting for a few weeks and i wonder why but im not volunteering the info because well theres been a huge increase in it..i still dont want to mention the purging but i know i will once we are back on the subject of cutting...but yea lots of pushing on her part today...my painting was taken to a psychotherapist and analyized and she told me what the results were..one painting and it was like they were walking around in my head..i wasnt even thinking about myself when i was painting it...i was thinking about how dorky the painting was..it had nothing to do with me and at the same time it did...there was a reason behind every color i used and they found them...they figured it all out and i didnt even know i was doing it...no control/powerlessness, isolation,abandonment, and anger...a very well hidden anger but anger all the same...why did they have to figure it out...why did she have to ask me about them...why cant things stay the way they are...the hard part being, i know why...i know why she wants to know, i know why she needs to know but she doesnt know why i wont say anything...one picture and a story and she knows more than i ever planned on her knowing...i know ill be ok with it but for right now i dont now what to think about it...