overload

got my car back today..its weird driving the aztek and being so high up vs my other car that i was way more used too..even though it cut off and everything i was starting to like it..it got me where i needed to go and i knew that car..but now i have my aztek back and mommy says its back to being mine again..since its in my name and everything its my car anyway..also told me that since i ahve to back i get to start paying the car notes on it..and good grief its not cheap at all having a car b ut oh well..will just figure it out .. so drove around some today with it..trying to get used to driving it and comfortable driving it..feels different than my other car..and the buick seriously has me paranoid..so prolly a good thing having a car that wont cut off on my but im guessing ill be a little catious with going slow and everything..but i can blast my cds all i want..and it wont matter..cleaned it out some today..vaccumed and took it to the car wash and its all shiny and nice looking..still have to do some inside cleaning and moving stuff between cars..actually packed and overpacked at the same time...still worried ill forget something and not be able to come back and get it..constantly going over stuff to get and make sure i have so i dont forget anything..starting to get nervous about leaving..worried ill get lost or something..mommy keeps giving me directions and telling me what to do and what not to do..making me more nervous than i already am..dusti is playing all over the house..i got new pajamas today..still lots to do..and its already 10..i dont want to stay up late or anything tonight so that i know ill be able to wake up i nthe morning when i have too..

this one is from my whole name ...

Your Expression Number is 6

You have an outstanding sense of responsibility, love, and balance. You are helpful and inclined to comfort those in need. You have many artistic and creative talents, but you only use them to better others. You are loving, friendly, and appreciative of others. You have a depth of understanding that produces much kindness and generosity. Openness and honesty are apparent in your approach to all relationships. Sometimes, you can be too demanding of yourself. At times, you tend to sacrifice yourself for the welfare of others. At other times, you have trouble distinguishing between helping and interfering.

What's Your Expression Number?

Your Expression Number is 9

An idealist and humanitarian, you strive to make the world a better place. You do your best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion. Deep down, you dream of being loved by many. You are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. While you are very ambitious, you never lose site of perspective. You have an abundance of creative talents... you just need to tap into them. Although you are a giving person, you can become selfish if you are ignored. If you are not able to help people, you tend to shelf your talents. Without others, you become aloof and start to lack sensitivity.

What's Your Expression Number?

new years eve

tomorrow really is the start of a new year..and now im stuck wondering what it will be like..will it be like this year? will it be better or worse? will things change or stay the same? will i like the move..will i make it through the actual move and getting things done? will i make a new years resolution? better than that will i actually stay up till midnight and watch the dorky little ball drop on tv..im not going out most likely and if i stay home ill just go to bed whenever i fall asleep..but will i mkae a resolution? will it be the same ones i already make and never keep? will i wish for perfection or death? kinda the same thing i guess..maybe ill just wish to be happy? but that just seems completely childish..so i should wish for something grownup... *thinking..thikning..thinking** i dont know..the ssame old question of what tdo you want keeps drifing into my head..i dont know what i want..i want to be happy..and thats about all funny i ppick being happy before i think about wishing to like myself..

yesterday was stressful at times because time alone with mommy quickly turns into tell me all your secrets. stayed as nuetral as possible and tried hard not to get bothered with all the questions. i decided that ppl who talk on cell phones and drive need to get tickets . its scary being in the car with her and having tons of traffic all over the place and she is constantly on the phone talking to someone and crossing into other lanes. dont like riding in the car when she is driving because well she cant drive well . anyhoo took about 5 and a half hours to get there and about 6 and a half coming back. did look at a bunch of different places and actually managed to find one i really liked. It nice, and the area is really quiet and i can keep dusti, so that was a really good thing. It is being held and everything and i said i would be moving in on the 13th. will have to figure out how that is going to work out with working and everything. im glad i found a place and the deposit was a lot less than i was expecting so that was good too. Theres a grocery store across the street and that did lessen some of the anixety about getting lost once im actually living there. did get lost a couple times yesterday with mommy and that was hard because i was starting to get antsy and she wasnt and didnt know where we were going or how to get back to where we needed to be. but made it home again and just kinda crashed until a little while ago. did take someothing to help sleep though. got to listen to all the stuff i have to do tomorrow when i leave to go and start the new job. like call every two hours and stop and dont drive at night and dont drive in the fast lane and all this stuff i didnt want to hear or already knew. but its over with now its one less thing to worry about.

the new job starts in oh two days now..was thinking about it last night and was starting to get scared and worried and nervous. we are leaving tomorrow and i tihnk we will just drive and see how far we get and stay in a hotel over night and then head to the a ctual place on tuesday. that way it wont be incredibly rushed and traffic should be light since it is new years day. have to pack and run to the store to get last minute stuff today..hopefully walmart is open! and then have to take down aqnother stupid christmas tree after i said yesterday i didnt want to do it. yea i feel really listened too ..but then leaving tomorrow and nothing can change that. was told yesterday i have to call home everyday..well too freakin bad for you my phone doesnt work when im up there and i wont be calling everyday..and i know it will just make a lot of arguments but im going to work not visit someplace..what do i need to call home for? i dont want to talk to her anyway ..and of course moving isnt going to help much because i was told yesterday that since henry goes to school an hour or so from where ill be then they will be sure to visit..i could just scream its so annoying and hard..i want to start over and i cant because i cant even manage to get away and stay away..ugh..i guess it could be as simple as just not being home or making sure im working when they want to come visit but that wont work all the time..i dont want to have to come home for holidays or visit when im not working..i dont want to be here anymore and being here just makes me feel so so so bad and unhappy..so i dont know how things will turn out..but one step in the right direciton i guess is actually having the job and having a place to live ..moving stuff will come later when i figure out when ill be off and can go back and get stuff..but i guess i better get going before im in trouble for not doing what im supposed to do.

Control your temper, do not react to anything today and you may just make it out in one piece. Dont dwell on what doesnt work out, dont talk loud, dont breathe loud, dont think if you can help it. Just be there without being there, agree with everything and dont say no. Dont look sad, upset, or hurt, because it will only make for more questions. Become completely numb, completely detached and unemotional and maybe 12 hours stuck in the car with mommy wont seem so bad. maybe


When did going to look for an apartment become a fashion show? Why does it matter what I wear or how I look? She said we would be leaving at 5. Im ready and waiting, its after 5.

hmm

at home ...thats about all..leg and arm both hurting a lot right now..

resistance.

after going to campus today and seeing my teacher for a little while i really do have to question why it is i dont want to pack..when i told her i didnt she asked if i was being resistant because i didnt want to move/leave...and i didnt really think of it as being resistant because its not the move that bothers me so much right now..right now its that if i finish packing then i have to go home and i dont want too..i was walking through the incredibly empty campus and wondering what it would feel like to stand on the roof of the buildings because they are so high..i couldnt decide if i was afraid of heights or not..i thought about creative ways to die..and surprisingly enough i wasnt able to come up with anything i hadnt already thought of..and it is starting to bother me that im becoming so preoccupied with dying again..i really thought i would be ok and well i didnt add in things not going well at home..my fault for forgetting anyway..but its just not good at all..and i know i cant leave until i finish packing anyway because if i do and then mommy comes up here on sunday and sees i havent done what i said i was goingg to do then ill never hear the end of it..just another argument that i dont want to deal with..so i have to finish ..but i dont want to pack..i want to just sit here and cry or something..i didnt want her to let me go..i knew she would ask for a hug and i didnt say no this time..it was ok because i had already hugged her before anyway..now im just trying to figure out what to start with before being sad just eats me alive...once again i was told that im better at identifying emotions and it sucks..i dont want to be better at it..guess it doesnt matter if i keep ignoring them anyway...i cant figure out what it is i want..i dont know what it is im looking for exactly..more and more i see how different i am..nia is a love person and she is always in and out of relationships..henry knows everyone and has a million friends..but how exactly am i defined? how am i remembered or noticed? how do i want to be remembered? how will i b e remembered ? and i know that because i had to answer a similar question before and it took me months to figure it out..and even then i wasnt sure..it pretty much all comes down to being happy..and it really really hurts that im not..i can pretend all i want too but it doesnt change that when im alone its back to being completely alone and lonely and sad...not always suicidal but sometimes..am i suicidal now? i dont know..not really..nothing that i can do anythingabout..will i last through tomorrow? 12 hours in the car with mommy..endless questions probably and nothing for me to do to get away..its bad enough i cut my arm this morning..i have to make sure i wear long sleeves tomorrow..i wanted to tell my teacher what ive been doing but i didnt ..i wont tell anyone becasuae ill just be in trouble and everyone will be mad at me for not trying harder..ill be a disappointment to everyone and then it wont matter ...i was thinking what would happen if they found out at talisman..would i lose my job? would they make me go to therapy? i cant remember what the physical forms had on them from over the summer..i cant remember if it was depression or bpd that ended up on them..i know it wasnt anything specific except that my therapist had said iwould be fine to go..i know cutting wasnt added..and they didnt know about the b/p ...i refuse to tell that..but my arms are fairly obvious sometimes..but no one really asked about them..i dont think i wanted them to notice..i didnt want them to ask what happened..i would have lied..i would still lie now..i do when im asked.. feel bad blaming dusti though and i try hard not too..i can tell dustis scratches from what i do and they arent bad and i prolly deserve it anyway when she does it cas ive done something stupid like stick her in the bathtub or something..but its not her and i refuse to give her away to anyone..i dont want her to stay her with mommy but for now i have no choice..so what am i going to do ? i dont know..i know i have to leave on the 1st to head up to talisman ..ill prolly spend the night in a hotel just so that i dont feel rushed...i just dont want to go home..its so stupid..of all the things to be afraid of its something as stupid as going home..i would move all the way around the world if it meant getting away..but its still counts as running..i dont care anymore..i want to run and if this is as far away as i can go then fine..but that isnt even far enough away because mommmy goes to all of henrys games that shes can..how do i know she wont just like drop by some times? true if im working then it wont matter but it will worry me..i dont want her dropping by i dont want her anywhere near me at all...i dont know maybe moving across the state isnt the right idea but when i asked arran she said it was..for now maybe it is..but i can move again later if i wanted too right? if i did want too i could move completely away from nc..if i stay with aspen i can go to oregon or ny or another state that im forgetting..im still thinking i dont want to be stuck behind a desk right now..maybe i want to go back to school..there are so many maybes for the future stuff..i dont know..do i want to go abck to school? i know i cant handle it now..it would kill me if i tried to do my masters now..but like so many other people tell me if i stop will i ever go back? will i want to go back if i can support myself now? i dont know anything..why do i have to be in the real world now? i dont feel safe at all..maybe its just because so much other stuff has been going on lately and everything is just looking really bad...im really not liking myself at all right now and maybe im just looking for a reason to cut or hurt..and that would be enough to know i have to go back to therapy before i really do try to kill myself..i dont want to go back but i know i have to if i want to stay

i refuse to cry i refuse to cry but i want to cut i want to burn i want to scream

i was thinking about other stuff but mommy called...listened to her yell at me for a while..its a waste of time trying to do anything..im in trouble when it doesnt work out and things have to change..i did everything she told me to do and im still the ungrateful one..like i didnt work my butt off while i was at home..i was sick and still didnt ask to go home..every other day she tells me that i cant go and buy anything because im supposed to be saving to do all this stuff..like she forget that its shes the one who borrowed money from me in the first place..all these things she promised to do and when its time to do anything then suddenly she cant do it..she has to work or shes tired and sick..what the hell am i supposed to do when ive waited around for her to do all this stuff? i could have gone by myself forever ago but i waited because she said she wanted to go and help..if i had a better car i would have gone before now..when i had tons of free tiem and i wasnt doing anything but i didnt..and now all of it is a mess .. and im still wrong and its like im just not doing anything at all..now i have to go back and break all the stuff ive done..ive already signed the papers to move out and now im not moving at all..id to listen to yvonne freak out about having to move because i was leaving and now im not..i tried hard not to wait till the last minute to do stuff and i tried to make sure everything was ok and now its not..why am i even still here? what am i doing? now its just like forget all of it and start over..i dont know what i have to do..i dont know what im supposed to do..and i prolly need to head back home before it gets too dark and i have to pack and not pack at the same time..i dont care at all..all i have to do is make it through tonight and tomorrow..right now just make it through the hour and then figure it out from there..not that it matters at all..all of it is useless and somehow its all become my fault

how..

how can i leave to start a new job in four or so days when i feel so horrible about everything..i want to go i have to go but i dont know how it will be..

i miss dusti

im feeling alone and need to go to bed before it gets worse..il figure out what i have to do tomorrow

ivee wasted my whole day today..feeling useless and some other stuff i cant name..ive spent most of the afternoon just laying on the floor half watching tv..and feeling sick..i think i just really want to go to bed right now..and wake up tomorrow and figure out what i have to do..right now i dont care but i also know that if i dont get all of it done ill juts be in trouble when mommy comes..i cant even figure out what i still ahve to do..i dont want to do anything

finally made it back to the apartment..and the quiet emptyness is nice..its kinda like i can shut down completely and there is nothing to take my attention away from anything..took the valium i had a little while ago..im really hoping it will just let me sleep again for a little while and then i can pack and stuff tomorrow and go back home tomorrow night..the weekend is just going to be a huge swirl of activity that i dont want to be a part of at all..head is feeling quiet at least..not feeling much like writing and theres nothing to write really..i was a message board posting some and some one said that it was okay to scream or rant or just do something that gets out what im feeling..yesterday i cried and cut but i didnt really ever get around to what was really getting at me..and then it all went away and i didnt care..prolly didnt really go away but i just stopped paying attention to it..and then it was like nothing was there at all..today its the same thing..i cant let go of thinking about everything but its a detached kinda thinking about it..i still dont care..im still not feeling anything but i still dont think ive gotten to the bottom of it and im sure i wont ..i cant be mad or yell or anything like that..why not? i dont know..liar..why why why..forget it i dont want to know..my ears are ringing again..were doing it last night but it was gone when i woke up this morning...dont know whats causing it..prolly something to do with all the meds ive been taking lately and im still sick not that it matters

Your True Birth Month Is January

Loyal Social Logical Easily jealous Loves children Rather reserved Highly attentive Likes to criticize Needs close friends Ambitious and serious Smart, neat and organized Hardworking and productive Loves to teach and be taught Quiet unless excited or tensed Sensitive and has deep thoughts Knows how to make others happy Searches for the greatest romance Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds Romantic but has difficulties expressing love Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses

What's Your True Birth Month?

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feel something...feel anything..thers nothing there, still the same empty feeling i had last night..gooing back to greenville as soon as i collect my head enough to change and get what im taking back with me..coming back tomorrow night though..so unfourtunately dusti will be staying here..until i get back..no point in chasing her all over the place just to have to put her back in the car tomorrow..easier to just let her stay put..slept in a little bit..9:30 is so sleeping in for me and it prolly would have been longer than that if mommy hadnt called..still sick..still feels like im being pulled in a million different directions and none of them are winning..guess i better get moving if i want to get any packing done

i cant believe its already 10 here...where has the day gone? everything that has happened today has just become one huge thing to forget..i want to forget..i could completely wipe today out of my head and i wouldnt really notice..it would just become another day not worth remembering because its just been one of those days everyone wished would never happen..how does it end? i dont know right now i just hurt..feels lkinda like something has broke but theres not a way to fix it..body really hurts..sore for no reason minus my ankle..back hurts, hips hurt..head hurts..i guess its less to explain if i just say everything hurts right now..back and forth all day..zoning out completely and then turning around and just having everything fall on my head at once..i swear mommy forgets what she does during the day and what she says...its like this morning didnt happen and i just imagined all of it..i made it up to give myself something to do..and yet im walking around completely afraid of being called for something i havent finished or something i havent done that i should have..i worry ill just get in trouble again..its only 10 not that it matters cas nothing really ends until mommy goes to bed and we can do what we like ..not that its interesting or important or anything..feel dead in a way..keep wishing i was dead and get annoyed when i realize im not..why cant i just die and get it over with..i could juts go away and disappear..become someone else, join the witness protection program i dont care just get me away for all of this..i want..i dont know what i want..maybe not to hurt..maybe juts to be out of it enough that nothing hurts anymore..but i cant forget what arran told me about how not being present makes me forget stuff quicker...i dont want to be present..i dont want to be here..i cant stand my life i hate who i am, what i am..id rather pretend..i could live anywhere and be anyone..stay a kid..be a kid..i am a kid..even henry knows that...make me happy buy me a toy..buy me kids stuff..i think i forgot to grow up ..i dont want control i dont want anything...right now i just want to go away..i cant get rid of the thoughts..maybe ill be able to sleep if i can calm my head down enough...everything is back to being a stupid maybe..im stupid..everything is stupid..everything sucks..send me away..let me go..just just let me go..alone but not really..i want to be left alone..i can make up a better world than this one..maybe this is what delusional feels like..but i dont feel anything at all..empty isnt a feeling its just there..thats all im coming up with..guess sleeping is the only other option i have

-

i think my head stopped working or something at some point today..i didnt leave and go back to school..got talked out of it because i was dumb enough to say i was still stick to cover up that i was crying on the phone..so didnt go today and i said i would go tomorrow but after mommy asked if i needed to go im guessing i prolly wont be going anywhere..ive decided to stop planning on doing anything ahead of schedule..no point to it and it all just turns into a bunch of lies anyway..no going to see anything tomorrow like planned..rushed around all morning trying to get my stuff put away and cleaning up just to find out i cant even go anywhere and that we arent even going because im not as important as working and so what i have to do can be put off again and again because it doesnt matter..so i was told exactly what to do but not really told why it had to be done..when i started to disagree with any of it then i was just getting an attitude and not being helpful..so i shut up and did all of it only to find out later that i cant finish any of it..going on saturday now..wont hold my breathe and wont be surprised if it doesnt happen..the only thing im still sure about is that i still have to start training on the 2nd..dont know where my stuff is going..dont know where dusti is going to be ..dont know anything ..im ready to throw it all away and just say screw it and i dont care..almost wished the house would burn down earlier but i went back and turned the stove off before i left to go to the store..learned that cutting my ankle so much wasnt a great idea because now it hurts to walk..cant say i really care except that ..nevermind i dont care..all day i thoughtabout cutting my wrist and just going and getting new wristbands..hunted for razors in the hardware store and couldnt find what i was looking for so didnt get any new ones..not that it really matter since i have like 6 in my bag anyway..even thought about getting bandaids to lessen the scars but that didnt last for long..they could all get infected and im still not sure i would care..dont want to look at then though since im not really sure how much it was..it feels like im just falling apart..i keep thinking about what it would mean to die..i still dont know if it would hurt or not..and i dont even feel guilty that im thinking about dying..i feel guilty that ill somehow get in trouble for it..i want to go back to greenville just to be by myself for a couple days..but im not really sure i need to be by myself either..i dont want to stay here..i cant stay here and even begin to think ill be ok..there should be something wrong with being suicidal at home..almost made it but it didnt work out..and if i stay i have a week..if i leave ill have only 3 or so days actually at home..but if saturday actually happens ill be stuck in the car for 12 hours with mommy..might jump out into traffic or something..mommy came home and started saying thanks for cleaning and what not and it didnt matter and it didnt make a difference for anything..

i hateyou i hate you i hate you

if i stay here ill kill myself..once i get all my stuff im leaving and going back to greenville not that it really matters anyway..already cut...dont even remember how long its been since i have cut..just have the huge urge to hurt..cried but that stopped after a little while..still want to cut though...nothing ever works out..i did everything i was supposed to do and still im screwed in the end..no im not going to look at apartments..ill be lucky if i even move.. i dont care anymore

christmas 2

made it through another christmas..that would be my good news for the day as small and insignificant as that is*shrug*..got up at like 6 or so this morning because i was having trouble breathing again..it sucks getting so stuffed up at night..i just wake up feeling horrible..but at least the sinus thing is clearing up ..slowly but clearing up all the same...so its getting easier to focus again..so waited around for like an hour and a half for the rest of them to wake up so we could open gifts..didnt want to go and wake them up because it didnt seem fair so i just waited..so opened gifts and got the usual stuff..clothes and shoes, a jacket and of course socks ...the hiking boots have a light in them and someone figured out how to get the batteries in and then couldnt figure out how to get them back out! my boots have been blinking all day and finally nia covered them up so the light wouldnt show through anymore lol..got a bunch of dvds hmm got lilo and stitch 2 and a care bear calendar...got some other stuff im not really thinking of right now ..some of it i didnt liked much and its just im sitting there feeling i dont know a little jipped i guess..and then feeling guilty for not getting everything i wanted when there are people who didnt get anything and i can sit here and make a list of what we did get ...im being selfish and mean ...anyway..ill get over it and be fine with what i got..took pictures of the three of us just to have and now we are just hanging around watching movies again...got click and that is such a good movie...want to cry everytime i watch it..makes me wonder what it means to really live and not miss out on life you know..i wonder what it would feel like to really truly be in love with someone and then somehow mess it up and then get the chance to go back and fix it...if i could go back in my life and change anything would i do it? how different would things be now if i wasnt a nut? would i have met the same people or done the same things? as much as i cant remember being a kid or even what ive done in the past couple weeks i dont know..for all the things i wish and wish to change would i do it if i was given the choice? im not really sure i would..maybe im supposed to struggle so freaking much for a reason that i havent been clued in on yet...there are a lot of ppl i guess i would miss if life had been different..ppl i just cant see myself living with out knowing..if that makes sense..the people who have kept me alive the past few years..the one who know parts of me ..the not so good parts and still manage to talk to me and put up with me ..i dont know im feeling all confused again lol..darnit..so made it through the dinners and visiting and kinda feeling sleepy now..its been a long day...its been a long few days..a long few weeks..a long few months..im really starting to wish for things to just settle down and get back into some sort of a schedule...it feels like im falling apart with out any structure to my day..things are just so up in the air and its keeping me on edge ..overall though its been an ok day..i think..after all that was written last night i dont think i had the energy to put up with anything else happening...not to mention its been raining all freakin day..its flooding here in some areas..there are tornado warnings good grief the weather has sucked horribly lately?! what the heck! wanted snow and got rain instead..ugh so not cool

christmas

today is going by kinda fast..opened presents this morning with nia and henry..and now we are just kinda hanging out not doing anything..i almost fell asleep watching a movie..got the usual christmas stuff..clothes and new boots, jackets and a really long scarf that i really like..and my picture thing is really cool and i want to go back and get the tree one ive decided..my care bear calendar from henry is so cute..prolly cas i picked it out! 2 new bags and a dvd player and a bunch of movies..so it was fun..still sick but its not as bad anymore..its worse just waking up but then kinda evens out as the day goes on...ad it is a rather depressing day..raining all day..no idea when it will be stopping but i hope soon cas i hope it stops soon..but ill write more about everything later on i think..

it will never end

Why is it that some things can be figured out when you least expect it. Today has been up and down a lot but overall evening out some and turning out okay i think..mommy is out of town but at the same time its like she is still here. Since i got home yesterday all ive gone back to thinking is that if mommy was here she would be so pissed off that i wasnt cleaning up or something..if she was here i would have been sucked into helping cook and clean and take care of granny..then i would have gotten in trouble for doing a bad job at all of it..even if i worked all day on everything it would all still suck and i would be at fault as always...and even though i know she is hundreds of miles away its like she will just be back at any time to check and make sure ive done what im supposed to be doing..shes not here but im still scared..worried that somehow no matter what i will be in trouble..so i did what i was expected to do..i cleaned up and i cooked but still i dont feel like its not enough..like there is something im missing or that i havent cleaned enough..she doesnt have to be here but its like she is all the same..somehow she lives in my head all the time..telling me what to do or what i should be doing..always criticizing what i am doing or questioning what i want to do..it doesnt make sense but i still know its true..somehow its come up before and i didnt really think about it then..but as i was mindlessly cleaning earlier it just kinda started creeping in again..i really did have to ask myself why i bothered when its just me nia and henry here..whats the big deal? but i know what the big deal is..im terrified that somehow she will find out i slacked off and the house just fall apart because i am such a screw up and then it would just be another reason to hate me..i dont like that i can fall into the parent role so easily when mommy isnt here..suddenly all the little things matter and i worry more than i usually do..suddenly im the one with all the answers and mommy calls enough that its like shes still here anyway..but until she actually gets back things i do are just ok..once shes here again then nothing ive done is right..everything could have been done a different way or just better..i know where it comes from when i can look in the mirror and say i hate you and mean it...its not that hard to say and i do mean it but ive just heard it in random ways so much..its not always a flat out i hate you..its you can do better or you should do better..its you shouldnt have that or do that..you should be like this person or why cant you be like someone else..why shouldnt i hate myself when im forever told im not good enough? it would have been weirder if i had learned to ignore all of it earlier and figure out stuff for myself but it didnt work out like that and instead ive taken everything ive ever heard and just didnt forget it..it comes up when i dont want it to and i just kinda stopped disagreeing with it i guess..no point really..mommy lives in my head and its much harder getting around what i always tell myself vs what ive heard..its all the same thing but somehow ive made it just a little bit meaner..somehow ive figured out a way to make it so i think i deserve it and would have been fine thinking that until i managed to somehow kill myself..but its not the same anymore and i dont think its fair all the time..just some of the time..and whether i think its fair or not doesnt really matter i guess because i do it all the same..i let it happen and so it still ends up being my fault.its like i wont stop until i somehow make myself win her approval..but then i have to wonder if i would be willing to die to get it...perfection comes at incredibly high costs and sometimes i wonder if ill be able to do it..sometimes im so positive that i could just do all of it and then just die because thats the way it should be..but thats not even as set in stone as it once was..i hate that it feels like ive lost my resolve to do anything i once wanted more than anything..i still want to be perfect..a lot of the time i wouldnt care if i died but not all the time anymore..things have changed and im not really sure i like it..im not sure i know what to do about it..im always asking what it is i want to do or what it is im supposed to doing and i just dont know..i can always hear what i think mommy will say or do and it really does cloud my judgement..its just there is no safety at all because im always scared..there is no getting away not really..it will always be this endless circle of wondering why im not good enough and how i can become good enough...and either way i dont win anything..i just exist for no real reason at all without really knowing what im supposed to be doing..i would rather be told what to do so i dont have to worry and then just hate that i cant decide for myself..i cant be my own person when im not always sure what it is i like or why i like it..it doesnt make sense because i dont want it too..all of it makes sense when i dont want it too and tonight wasnt the greatest night at all to just suddenly have a light go off..cleaning is just so mindless..i leave myself open to get lost in my thoughts whereever it is they go at times..for all the times ive wanted to die i wonder now if it would ever work..is there really a such thing as freedom from all of this? is there really a way out that wont kill me? its like why say no to anything..why cant i say no to anything..its because i would rather die than to say no and become the bad one again..she would hate me and never let me forget that i disagreed with something.it would come up again and again until i did wish i was dead..its happened before..i was dumb enough to say i didnt want her to call me every day..i was the selfish one and the one who didnt care..everytime she called which was still every day i got to hear again and again how ungrateful i was..its not worth the hassle .. i dont need her to tell me any of that ive already been told and i remember all of it ..kinda hard to forget when she is always there reminding me that im a complete screwup...she hasnt let me forget my first couple years of college sucked grade wise..not that she would ever tell anyone else...nope im like this completely different wonderful person when shes talking about me to someone else..i can do no wrong when im being bragged about for what little it is i manage to do..but being alone with her is like a completely different thing..its always yea you did this and this ok but it could have been better or done this way..why waste my time thinking im actually worth anything when it wont last..it never does..its always the same old thing and then im just the one who still ends up being hurt ..except then i remember to lie about all of it and make myself believe im somehow in the wrong and that its my fault and that i deserve it..and somehow its makes it easier to deal with...theres really no point to any of it i guess..maybe it would be better if i stopped trying to hard to change and not change at the same time..maybe its completely stupid to put so much effort into doing all this stuff that doesnt work..what would really be the point in not cutting or purging or doing any of that stuff..its not that it doesnt hurt but it just hasnt killed me yet..i could say im know what im doing and that it really isnt a big deal..and that as long as im not caught who would really care...if mommy found out sure i would be put in the hospital..or she would try but i know how all of that works too and it cant be done involuntary unless im suicidal or planning on killing someone else and there would be no way she would ever figure out if i was suicidal or not..i wouldnt tell her and i wouldnt tell anyone else either..no need to make a huge deal out of it for nothing..and then she would be madder at me than before..so not a big deal..wouldnt work anyway..would be easier to go into the witness protection program or something..i would just disappear like ive wanted to do for forever anyway and go away..but if somehow they found me then what? i would have to hear about how worried everyone was and how i made ruinned everything by going away...ive been told a million times that running just wont work no matter how much i want it too..least now i remember really why it is i hate who i am and my life and all this stuff..why trust myself? theres nothing left to trust