i am not angry

i feel the need to completely deny that i ever feel angry..im trying to shut it out and ignore it..pretend its not there because i know there is a lot of anger..stuck somewhere inside of me..and it is kept under tight tight control..not to be seen by anyone....i think since living by myself mostly my anger comes out at home..because there is no one watching me...mommy knows how to get me to react..and then uses what i say when im angry against me. then it really is time to shut down every thought.every feeling..its like being able to turn every thing off because reacting will only lead to more issues..more arguing..and i dont like arguing ... having a simple debate fine..that can even be fun..but i dont like yelling or arguing or fighting or anything because it makes me nervous..and puts me on edge..like i have to completely be on guard if i am around any of that becuase if not then ill get sucked right in to it ...

but back to anger...the reason i am afraid to express it is because i know there is a lot of anger...i feel like im truly a bitter and angry person..and that ive just managed to hide it away..but if i let it out then i wont be able to keep control of it...i wont be able to keep myself together at all.

i dont want to be that anger person who lives there life alone because they cant come to terms with whatever it is that they need to come to terms with.  i want to forget but i cant..and i dont remember to even forget it..it was juts wrong ..all wrong and messed and hard..and i was stuck there..i was left there..i lied and so i stayed there...there was saving grace..no person to come and rescue me.. and im not really sure i managed to rescue myself...some part of me made it out alive..but im not sure it counts if im still trying to kill that part of me..i want to get rid of the hurt part..the sad part..the guiltly and ashamed parts. i dont want to feel broken and that i dont fit in because i juts cant relate to anyone..

yes im angry..very very angry..and it does make me afraid and so i push it away..make it go away becuase that is what i have to do..i learned early on not to cry..i was told pretty specifically not to cry...but the rest of it?  did i convince myself of the whole black and white thinking?  everything is one way or the other no inbetween...i try to think about the things mommy has told me..and i can be fairly positive in that i learned it from her but again as i learned it, it changed and grew and became my own.  silence was my friend.  i worked hard to not express anything..dont look at anyone ..dont show anyone you are upset..and now one will question you...no one will care..and then it doesnt matter at all..nothing matters..and slipping through the cracks is the easiest thing ever..even now i still work hard to make sure i am not seen crying...it takes an awful lot for it to happen anyway..but still id rather not be seen..and that was a hard learned lesson..

i want to say i dont have anything at all b=to be angry about..that my life was great..that im juts messing things up talking about all of this and talking about things that should be better left forgotten..i still worry mommy will find out..i worry that she already knows and will somehow usse the information against me..i tell her over and over that i enjoy coming home, that i like talking to her..but how can she not hear the emptiness in my voice with these questions?   yes she has seen the scars now..and i am ashamed ..but still it is about her..and how upset she is and how worried she is...it was 4 years before she found out and then just told me that i needed to be in the hospital..and that something was wrong with me...and she asks if it is her fault..if she did something..and that she feels she was a good parent..

but im the one who remembers stuff..its normally my brothers and sisters who remembers and then she denies it...all of it...i didnt mention anything about the plastic baseball bat that i was hit with and tried hard to hide as often as possible..i didnt mention the trying to run away, or being forced to eat out of the toliet..no that wasnt me..and i wouldnt have said it even if i had remembered..no..this was listening to my older brother and getting little bits and pieces that made sense..and alot of confusion for what didnt make sense..and then mommy gets so pissed off because i dont remember anything..i told her i didnt remember having birthday parties and she was so mad...swore up and down that i had birthday parties .. well im happy for her but i dont remember ...how do you forget your entire life?? ive forgotten everything and get so upset because i cant remember anything and i try too..

why am i angry..i think my anger and sadness get mixed up with each other ... i think im angry and sad right now but the sadness wins out..or maybe its sadness and hurt but burt is not an actually emotions..juts sad then...upset..because because i was stuck in a place that i didnt want to be and that was not safe or happy for me..but if i say that then i am being selfish..i am the bad one..i had everything growing up..how dare i even say anything bad against mommy..but what about me?  how is it that in a family as big as mine no one has bothered to tell me the truth??  why has no one told me i was adopted?  why am i not allowed to have anything of my sisters?  how could so many adoptions be hidden and no one know about them??? really if you looked at a real picture of my sisters, brothers and i..it is easy to question whether or not we are all actually related..but no...it was denied...never told..never mentioned..but i know..i ofund out by accident but i know...fast forward to mothers day this year that was really not a good weekend..and i remember now...i dont like mothers day..why celebrate someone who doesnt like or want me?  someone who tells me repeatedly that she is only hurting me to make me better? why is it that i would like a day representing mothers and i have two that juts didnt/doesnt want me?  whats the point?  all things i push away..and try not to think about .. and when i do think about it..i get angry because i wonder what i did that was so wrong that made everyone hate me..hurt me..push me away..and i wonder why now im stuk looking for a mother that im not allowed to have..and get so jealous of childs and adults even who do have great relationships with there parents..and its like im just standing there watching what is going on with everyone else..and realizing and wondering why i wasnt able to have that too.  why was i hit with so many things or pinched or slapped or had things thrown at me or protected...the time when it really mattered no one was there..and that is just gone..the sad thing is ..i know she was in the hosue at the time...the sadder thing is that i knew better than to mention a word of it to her...i would have been in trouble..i would have been the one hit for not doing what i was told...i didnt act out then..i was to sheltered for that...mommy is good at using what i say or do against me..i may not remember..but she will...and if she is mad at me about something ..then i start to panic and worry about what i may have done or said that i dont remember..what i might be in trouble for..what i may need to apoligize for...i am inheriantly bad i  guess...broken.messed up..and sometimes i dont think that there is any point at all in continuing to try to be ok when it is something i fail at almost each and every day..

i dont understand why i was the one that was picked on..excluded..not allowed to do the same things that my siblings were able to do..what did i do that was so bad ?? what is the hell is so wrong with me?  i could prolly associate everything that is wrong now with something that has happened in the past..thats the part of things that keeps getting in the way of stuff...no i wont look at anyone because im afraid of being in trouble..afraid of being judged or hit or yelled at..i dont trust ppl i dont know..and until i can determine if you are safe or not then i will not say anything at all to you..im messy now ..well unorganized because mommy pushed cleaning so so much..and my room was often a mess...and the way to help me fix that issue was to come and dump everything out..rip everything off the walls..empty out my closet..and then give me a time frame to get it cleaned up in...and those times i did actually cry..because it was overwhelming..because it was like having to start over every single time...and it was always a race against the clock...i can hear if anyone is walking around outside of my door when i am at home..i have to be really quiet and listen to make sure that no one is sneaking up on me..i cant be in a room without knowing a way out or being able to see who is coming and going because i spent so much time getting cornered and trapped in places...and being caught meant being in trouble...i truly do prefer to be hit vs being yelled at ...the yelling and threats and disapproval never go away..but the hitting has to stop at some point... sometimes my yougner brother and sister tried to protect me...but still i was the target..i was the one who had to work twice as hard ..the one forced to do all the things i was afraid of and didnt want to do..but again those are activities that a kid should be happy to be involved in...but i wasnt..i was to shy to like activities that brought attention..i didnt want to be looked at ..and mommy made sure i knew that i wasnt good enough..that i wasnt measuring up..that looks is all that really mattered..and me being overweight is a sore sore issue with her..at least 2 or 3 times a week i am quizzed on what i am eating or not eating.what i should eat..how i should dress what i should wear..over and over and over..i know the whole conversations in my head..i dont need to be told anymore what is wrong with me..i know what is wrong with me..it has been pointed out to me my whole life..over and over..never being told you are ok...and now mommy will tell me that i look nice in something and i dont believe her...there is always a but ...there is always something that i could have done better with or something i forgot to do..

somehow ive managed to trigger myself horribly...and it just makes me sad..my thoughts go in circles and i get confused...i dont remember what i was even writing about anymore because so much has come out..and instead all i want to do now is hide away..and have things perfectly quiet...i thought i was getting better..but i really must be deluding myself big time on that one...im not better..im not worse...im just stuck in the middle ..wondering what it is that i need to do so that i dont forget that i am the target..that i am the one that needs to hurt or be hurt...no im not cutting..havent burned in forever...back and forth between over eating/purging/and not eating..but even that is not as often...instead im just stuck in my head..thinking..wondering..wishing i could be someone else..someone better..anyone better..but im just me..and that is just not good enough..i try ..i really do try to be good and nice and kind so that i will be liked..but i fail at that too..there is so much that i fail at ...

i dont think i can handle writing anything else tonight...i think im done before i feel the need to calm myself down and do stupid things..guess its cartoons ..