I have been thinking about this alot since yesterday and after the
stressful weekend that has caused some changes inside. T and the med
doc are both quite confident in 'my' ability to think things through, to
stay safe. Going into the weekend the thoughts were very
unsafe,negative, down right not good. I do believe that had the argument
with the mother not happened, this would have turrned out differently.
Acting on impulse without thinking has been the cause of a lot of
unsafe behaviors. Instead of acting, ended up driving and managed to
get to a place where acting out was not going to happen, at least not
that day. The plans were stilll there, the thoughts still there, all
weekend the thoughts overwhelmed us. Needing/wanting a way to release
some of the pressure building inside..may have been really down while
out of town, among other things but did not act out at all..pushed aside
the things that were causing more stress..drove my sister crazy cas it
was jut funny..you know just did what we needed to do inorder to get
through...can home on sunday and still the thoughts of hurting and being
unsafe were the dominant thoughts. we had already cancelled t in a fit
of anger so who cared you know. Yesterday i called the pdoc about a
med issue and talked to her just a little bit..just enough to know that
things are not going great right now..and she told me to remember to
think..to remember how far i have come..stuff that i would normally not
even care about .. or be able to remember when am feeling way to many
things..and most of them are not good things...
yes there is a point to this .heh
after
talking to her and making some noncommital sounds of agreement for
staying safe and everything..ir ealized that the thoughts had calmed
down...the desire/urge was still present with some thoughts..but overall
the need to act on them had lessened a lot...and somehow it happened
without t, without s/i, without any thing that majorly was harmful at
all...yes still feeling a bit down and worried about some things that
are going on with work..but the acting out needs are almost gone..am
isolating a bit still and planning to spend the day at home again..but
compared to what was being planned..ill take the staying at home..really
i will..
i can look at it and at least acknowledge that maybe t
is slightly, just a little bit right....we can manage..and we can deal
with and get through the harder things..it may take time and a lot of
writing and suport from other places (like here and some friends on fb
and things)..but going back to the old ways didnt happen...
it is
a little mind boggling really...to be able to see and understand that
we got through it...am getting through it...and managing.
I told
the guy at work yesterday that I didnt want to talk about my weekend
and he respected that..and didnt push...sometimes no i cant hide the
sadness..the anger yes ..except on fb ..but well thats a different story
compeltely! the sadness just seeps out.until it has run its course..and
we have to ride the wave until we can get to the other side...
this is good? this makes sense?
there
is no t this week...kept that session cancelled..but will reschedule
for next week, as now i need to talk to her..to get some sort of
direction/guidance...to figure out where i really stand with all of
this...im not ready to admit that she is right...not to her anyway
:P...but i can consider the option that maybe being in t weekly is no
longer needed...
just a lot of thinking this morning..
thanks for listening.
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