sneaking online so sorry if this doesnt make a whole lot of sense..but
im being watched prety closely by my mom and sister and so yeah..its
ujst sad and miserable and i hate them all right now.
had a work
issue and am behind with some stuff and so i tried to be an adult about
it and told my sister i wasnt able to come up this weekend and
visit..an almost 7 hour drive for me...less for everyone else..but
us..im two states away..it is a long freaking drive...so my plan became
to just stay at home and do my work stuff and get caught up..without
having to worry about the stress of driving for such long periods of
time you know...my sister said ok...my mom said no..she said i was
messing up everyones plans by not coming..that i would do more work
surrounded by family..that i should have known better than to get
behind..and so on and so on..until i lost my temper and said forget
it..ill just come..i dont care..whatever..and again she won..she got me
to fricking loss my temper and say i would do exactly what it was i
didnt want to do...spending money i dont have..to drive all this
way..just to be excluded for the most part anyway..because im supposed
to be doing my work and everyone else can be having fun and playing and
goofing off..and im just being watched...told to work..told to
focus..and just because im being told to do it nad forced to do it..have
i done much ???? nope ...because im mad..i feel so so mad and angry
and being passive aggressive just is not helping..because again im only
hurting myself by not getting my work done but i dont even care riight
now...i wanted to leave this morning and go home..you know early...mommy
again said no..said i have to go to church..but then i can miss the
family breakfast out and go home..becuase yes that is really really
fair...and again i am being the one sent on my way when everyone else
gets to stay and have fun..because i have so much work to do..becuase i
have such a long drive..it didnt matter at ALL yesterday or friday when i
said i could stay at home and then i would be able to have my space and
get stuff worked on..no i had to come up and be with family because
other wise i would have messed everything up...so i came..and realized a
little to late that again it was mommy whose plans would have been
messed up..becuase she said she just wanted everyone here for mothers
day..my brothers and sister would have managed ..cripes they wouldnt
have cared much..its not like i was able to contribute anything
anyway...and so my mood is back and forth between being so so very
angry..and so so very depressed...because i rushed to pack and
everything a lot of stuff got left at home..wasnt able to pick up all of
my meds...cant drive on the anxiety meds becuase they will make me
sleep...so cant even stay calm right now...oh i can pretend..im great at
pretending..and im my impulsiveness and anger went and cancelled t for
next week...thoughts of just not caring and wanting to be left alone and
all of that was overwhelming..still is...the need to isolate and be
alone is so so so strong right now..and im tired...just tired of all of
it...havent self harmed in just about 5 months and this weekend i in my
head are thoughts of getting ahold of more tools...finding a way to
release some of the feelings that are just growing and growing and being
stuck inside of me..without a way to get out..and i keep quiet and it
just keeps growing and i dont know how to release it anymore safely
because it has gotten so so big .. i should have kept my mouth
shut...dealt with it on my own..but i had to put all my pride aside and
ask for assistance from my job..let them know that i was struggling and
having a hard time keeping upwith my work stuff..and im most likely
looking at being put on probation at work....again...i know its been
coming and ive just still slacked off and not been able to manage and
all this stuff..and in the end im just behind and it is my fault...no
one elses...and so i have to deal with the consequences..i have no
choice really..and so my thinking is very down and negative...im very on
edge...struggling to manage ...struggling to get through the
day...struggling right now to just make it home and be back where i feel
safe..im not safe here..not with mommy here..not when she doesnt listen
to me..not when she has voluntarily fricking touched me and rubbed me
and patted me like im a child without my permission...i try to move
away from her and it doesnt work...then im told i dont love her..that im
being selfish..that im wrong and dont care...that she is only trying to
help and that she cares and so i am still wrong because im messing up
her trying to care for me...but i dont want her care...not now..not
before..it was never there when i actually needed it..and now its to
late..and uncalled for and not wanted and uncomfortable..im not a
child..im a frickin adult..and to be touched like i am a child is
unsettling...and a bother and again causes a lot of anger..shes the one
who taught me not to be touched and now she breaks the rules and wont
leave me the heck alone..i dont understand anymore..im to tired to fight
her anymore this time..she has won..she has broken me..and i dont know
how long it is going to take to repair the damage..i really dont...
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