have you ever done something just because you know it is going to get a reaction..because it will force someone to pay attention to me...because im a danger..because i need to be monitored..because i need to be helped...normally i spend so much time just pretending to be okay that sometimes it is hard for me to realize when im really not ok...the big obvious times dont count....its the smaller ones..the ones that build up over a few days and then come crashing down on my head when i cant take it anymore...
im trying to be okay..but everything in me wants to go and just do every negative cpoing skill i can think of..and i know it is jut a reaction to realizing that no i am not seeing alice tomorrow and it is upsetting me...because i want to see her..i need to see her..i dont trust myself...maybe i just dont want to trust myself...afraid to be accountable for my own self...with no one checking in with me, its like im suddenly all alone again...i have to deal with myself by myself and that is not ok ..i dont want to deal with myself..yes i want to be taken care of..loved..needed..everything i didnt have growing up ..i want it now..and i go all crazy trying to get it and trying to make it fit what ever idea i have of how i want it...and then it doesnt work and im so so upset..but am i really setting myself up for failure?? im to old to be taken care of in the way i want to be taken care of...and i know it is my childish thinking at times that has me wanting to act out now juts because i dont want to be ok...what happens when i truly become ok? when i can manage and cope? and im choosing to ignore all of that right now as i write this because i think ive been holding all of this in since last week and didnt get any thing out..and so now today comes along and i end up with medication that i want but that is not mine...not enough to OD on or anything..but enough to numb me out completely...i want to hurt..scream..cry..something..anything.. i want to feel something but all that i want is nothing good...i am surrounded by dark clouds and nothing positive or nice is getting through right now....im trying hard not to act out ...to do things on purpose..to hurt myself in any number of ways...just for the attention..the care it will bring..the concern..the undivided attention...i want that..as much as i dont want to admit it..that is what i want..and now it is being taken away from me..and i dont like that...i feel like im being pushed back out into a world that i just dont fit in to..ive tried..and it doesnt work..and then i dont try and im told that im not trying hard enough..i dont want it bad enough..that i like being screwed up..that im getting something out of it ..and i really wish i knew what it is that i am getting because i dont know...im somewhere in the middle with everything..im ok but im not..i work but i dont...i live but im still trying to die in some form or fashion..and it may not be anything overt or over the top or anything...but the little stuff just builds up and then and then im stuck...and still in the same place...going back and forth and waiting for someone to come and save me ...i just want to be saved..
i think that is what one of the big issues is...i wanted therapy to cure me..and i can agree that i am more stable right now..but i was still looking for a cure..i wanted to be fixed..i wanted alice to fix me..and all the other therapist too...i want them to do it..i want to show up and be fixed..and thats not how it works..this time i actually worked..with alice and not against her as i would have usually done..maybe i was sick and tired of going back and forth..and maybe what it is that i need is to accept where i am and learn to depend on myself and trust myself..but the fear is there...how can i depend on myself now when ive spent so long trying to avoid that very thing..and now its juts happening..some how it is happening and without me even realizing that it was..some how i have begun to do things for myself..i may whine and complain and freak out repeatedly but i do manage when it counts...when did this happen? how did this happen? im not sure this was supposed to happen...as much as i dont like being in therapy..that is a safe place..in her actual office..not the waiting room or the building itsself..just her office is safe...and i will be losing that safety..i will be losing the person who listens to me ramble and get confused and get upset and doesnt get mad at me about it..or tell me im being stupid or that im repeating myself a million times...what will it be like without that? when i have no one there to help or talk to or juts be around for a little while to get my self to calm down a bit..what then...
i dotn know...i can feel the stress tonight in my shoulders..and neck...im holding on tight to something and it is making my body hurt...im trying to relax and distract myself..but the sadness and confusion is weighing in on me..and i wonder what ive done wrong in all of this..why am i being let go ?? dropped? pushed away? my body hurts right now..my mind hurts..im just tired and wanting to sleep and not think anymore...i want to not have to think anymore..i dont want tomorrow to get here and at the same time i know that i cant avoid it...
and so that is where the self medicating comes in to play...i want peace and emptiness...right now..thats all i want...
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