i dont know what i want...

ive been thinking about this since i saw alice earlier today..and i really truly dont know what i want right now..from anything..and i think that the feeling so aimless and hopeless with everything is what is causing me to just shut out everything and ignore life and everything in it because it has become so repetitive..i do the same thing every week...work and go home..and sleep..thats it...no real motivation or interest to do anything else..and so i did try to self medicate myself for a few days but that didnt work either ..stupid valium..well i prolly need a higher dose but no..im not gonna take them ..ill stick with what i have for anxiety..and im getting sidde tracked big time...i think this is going to take a while to work through..and its like back to one of those great images ive worked out in my head....standing in front of a huge door that is not locked but it is closed...and to go through it is the choice that is laid out before me...step into the unknown..or stay where i am comfortable and can hide or dissappear or not be noticed...but what is on the other side?? and what do i need to get there??  is it really therapy?  do i need to work on really having to depend on myself? will i have to deal with the steps backwards to get myself back on level ground? what do i want to do with myself..with my life...again i feel stuck in some incredibly lonely place..juts watching everyone else live and have a life..and im stuck..wanting it but not going for it..not doing anything to get it or have it..and so it slips by me..

im asked what do i want...and i dont have an answer... im not happy but i dont know what particularly is not making me happy..is it me?  maybe im just destined to never be a happy person..i mean i manage..i pretend..i do what i absolutely have to do..and after that..i juts hide..pick myself apart..all the things i have messed up have to be accounted for in some way...im not really taking things out on myself currently..and im not even sure how i feel about that anymore..

shouldnt i want to feel better?  maybe pulling up the past stuff isnt what i need to work on..i mean staying in the present is hard enough..and makes me tired...i cant deal with the past and the present..and with my thinking i jump ahead into the future too..

i want someone to organize my thoughts...tell me that im being irrational..not thinking this through...

for some reason turning 30 this year is a big deal...but why? ok well i know why..im constantly seeing other ppl being pregnant, getting married, having fun, doing things, going places....and me i stay at home...do i want to go back to school?  do i want to adopt? do i want to even stay in richmond?  in all areas i just dont know what i want to do...and not knowing means that i am not doing anything at all ...i try to hide the sadness..i do..but its not working so great...not all the time anyway...i know good and well mommy could figure out that i was not happy while i was up there for mothers day...but it didnt matter..she could over look that completely..and all she needed was my continued agreement that i was having fun..that i was happy i came..thats all that was important...not the fact that i was upset and struggling..that i may have been suicidal..that i was wanting to cut..that i was silent for most of the weekend...no all of that can be ignored..because its not important...the price of being around mommy is going to kill me one of these days..like im back to just waiting for something to happen...and lately ive been so so angry...easily upset..easily overwhelmed..i dont pay attention when i drive because my mind is else where..i dont want to be around anyone or anything that creates to much noise..i just want silence..and solitude and then i drown in the emptiness..because there is no one to help me get out..to pull me out of myself..

i want to tell alice and courtney and susan to just not waste their time on me..that i havve failed at this..and will keep failing because i dont know what to do to help myself anymore..and they can spend there time helping someone who is more deserving..someone who is willing to work...me...all this time in and out of therapy..on and off meds..and still im broken and screwed up and illogical..to myself...i would never say any of this to someone else...cant have anyone else thinking or knowing that i am just a mess...and there is nothing that helps me.. i could give me..go ahead and go back to all the stuff that worked with helping me numb out completely...to just be able to go back to drifting off and just not caring either way..im still looking for an escape...but i have to prefect my mask again...its slipped off and i need it to be firmly back in place...i dont need anyone looking at me and wondering if i am safe anymore...wondering if i have done something...if i havent killed myself yet..i dont think im going too..if the pills and the cutting and purging didnt do it years ago..im fairly certain its not going to happen now...but there is a very fine like between being ok and not being ok..and i seem to be walking it pretty constantly lately....

maybe i have given up..i dont know..i mean one weekend with mommy and how many times was something esaid about what i was wearing ? how i looked? what i was eating? i know already that i am not good enough but did i really need the constant reminder ?  and the continued reminders on the phone..every day..dont mess up..dont screw up..dont do this .. dont do that...my world is full of donts..the self loathing still runs very deep...and suicide is still something that i wait for..not really acting on it...but jut waiting for what is going to happen...sometimes i really wonder why i was stuck in this life..when i dont fit in..i dont understand it..im afraid of everything..and so i stay alone...completely alone in some half assed attempt to keep myself safe..but a lot of things happen when someone spends to much time alone...cant think of anything good that comes from it...

so where does this leave me exactly? i still havent got the faintest idea..but i think i will end up stopping therapy for a while..see what happens....give myself the test of staying safe ... but i dont care either..and again my thinking goes back to leaving before i get hurt.let me leave her before she can leave me.maybe it doesnt hurt as much that way...but what do i know??? 

nothing