so much has happened..and i dont know where to begin really...im tired
ok well now that ive actually had this open for about 3 days..i think ill actually write...i need to write today as my thoughts are becoming overwhelming and i am sad..i am thinking to much..i an trying to keep resting and healing but at the same time worry is plaguing me...and im just afraid i think...
so what has happened? gosh has it really only been two weeks? I saw the surgeon again to just talk to about why the surgery was canceled..and that led to the surgery being rescheduled for the 20th of march..a week..i flipped out majorly..i was crying and sad and unable to cope at all for that week..i wasnt feeling well and then stressed about mommy coming and everything was just happening so fast ..and i was scared.. very very scared..but like all things the days kept moving and the surgery date got closer and closer ..and i was thinking about running away..disappearing..taking enough meds to juts knock myself out..anything to get myself to calm down and stop the freaking out..i met with the nurse at the hospital and had the procedure explained to me..what was going to happen..etc..it was then that i was told i would be pretty much naked..and that caused a whole different set of problems...the scars i have are only hidden if i am fully dressed...i couldnt be naked..i didnt want to be undressed..i couldnt be undressed...and again i flipped out...mom and sister came up the day before the surgery..and the day of the surgery i showed up..scared..anxious..wanting to be anywhere but where i was at...but i was there..it was a lot of waiting and finally i was taken back after having to force myself to go to the bathroom before the surgery could happen..but eventually i was taken away..and to the or waiting area..watching the nurses and docs and feeling so scared and anxious..finally told the nurse i was still partially dressed..blah blah blah...and had to finish getting undressed and all of that..finally i was given something to help me calm down and i was moved into the operating room at like 3ish..and then everything juts kinda happened all at once..and i know one of the nurses did ask about my scars and i told her something..and the masks and things were put on me and i was told to just breathe..and somehow the next thing i knew ..i was being told to wake up cas i was finished and the surgery was over..it was after 6 or so i think..i was going in and out big time.i know there was a tube down my throat when they tried to wake me up the first time..the next time i woke up it was gone but i was still having a lot of trouble with focusing and the nurse was telling me the surgery was over and that i had done well and i was just trying to tell him my throat was hurting or something..and after a while i was taken to my room..cas i had to stay over night..and mommy and nia found me in my room..and i was still trying to wake up fully and talk but was in pain and sleepy and fuzzy headed..they stayed for a little while and then i told them they didnt have to stay at the hospital because my sister was pregnannt and not feeling well..so i told them to go home..and then they left and i was scared cas it was so quiet and dark and i couldnt do anything ...the nurse was really nice though..and was super energetic to be so darn late at night cas i called at random times for different things..mostly something to drink and to get up and go to the bathroom...i came to really like the nurses..i think i liked feeling like i was being taken care of..that someone was paying attention to me and bringing me things..and it was ok because i was supposed to ask..i got pain meds a couple times and did a lot of sleeping off and on...more random lab work..checks and other stuff..morning came and i was able to talk to my doc and he filled me in a bit more on the surgery and what had happened..and that the gallstones were all near and in the bile duct at the bottom of my gallbladder and he said that was probably causing a lot of the pain that i had been dealing with...so it was removed and the liver biopsy done too...he told me my liver was abnormal but that the results would come back in a couple days..but that i would find out more at my follow up appt with him in a couple weeks..but i was told i would be able to go home on thursday..and that i just had to go to the bathroom by myself..well that was the problem..i had to go to the bathroom but i couldnt and i tried and tried and still couldnt go..and so the doc decided that i would have to have a catheter because my bladder was super full and i wasnt going to the bathroom...i hadnt been to the bathroom in hours..almost about 24 hours by the time the doc came around...it had been long enough that the doc said i couldnt go home until i went to the bathroom by myself...
well the catheter had to happen and it took three nurses and i was trying hard not to cry because its not as if they were being gentle about the whole thing..i know it had to be done..but with them not knowing my issues already and me not telling them..well it was juts a big deal and overwhelming and a lot to deal with..and they got it in..after two or three tries..i dont remember but it took more than one try..and it was like me not being able to do anythign at all while the nurses are like holding me open and sticking the stupid cath in and looking for my bladder and all of that..and so they got it..and of course i went because well the tube was there and my bladder was full..but finally it was done and they were taking everything out and one of the nurses said something to me and i just started crying...dont know why..maybe i was just really truly overwhelemed and scared and having that whole thing done when i dont like being touched ..much less having anyone that up close and personal and just being embarrassed and upset and hurting and ugh..i was just a mess for a little while..i was able to stop crying after a few minutes..and the nurse did let me get up and sorta clean myself up a bit..because of course through all of this i still had my period .which just made it all worse in my opinion...but then i was able to calm down and get myself together....one of my coworkers stopped by and brought flowers..and then my mom and sister came and stayed until i was able to go home...i actually ate my lunch and was able to thankfully go to the bathroom on my own and was able to go home..
couldnt do anything at all i was in pain..and then having my mom telling me that i couldnt take the pain meds the doc had given me..and so i was hurting a lot and still trying to do things for myself and not able too...mom decided that i needed to get up and walk and her idea was that i needed to actually go out..like out in town walking and what not..i could barely get in and out of the car ..but i had to go and i had to walk..and the pain almost had me in tears and i just wanted to lay down and she wouldnt let me..and so she kept yellling at me about my breathing..cas i wasnt taking in deep breaths at all and my breathing juts got more and more shallow..finally though friday we came home and i just laid down and went to bed..i couldnt do anything else..saturday was a repeat...more out and about and me struggling to walk and do anything and not being able to get in and out of the car without help..and so by the time we got to having lunch that day i juts broke down and started crying again...because i was hurting and i hated that i couldnt do things by myself ..and that i needed them to help me..and i just wanted to be by myself and all i wanted to do was go home again and lay down..and my trouble with breathing was just getting worse...and i couldnt breathe..and not even laying down when i did get home got me to calm down and breathe...and so i ended up back in the er cas i couldnt breath...all sorts of tests done..all came back normal..no blood clots..no pneumonia..just not breathing in deep enough and getting in enough air...aand so sunday i got to go back home...and again another day out and about and again my breathing got worse the more tired i got..and by this time i was feeling upset and not able to have my own space and having my mom here and telling me what to do..and what to eat and what not to do and just ugh..i didnt realize i was getting so triggered you know..and finally monday comes and tehy leave..and i did appreciate all they did for me..i really did..and do ..but i know i needed some time to myself...needed some time to just collect my thoughts and calm down from all that had gone on..and take things slowly..and take the pain meds.and juts rest you know...
and i guess that leaves me where im at today...feeling better overall..but still hurting a bit and still struggling with sleeping..because of pain...afraid to leave the house and what not...safe here ..not safe out in the world..trying to keep myself as sane as i can..and work on some work stuff to email in..and all of that today...i keep saying im gonna go out and see my clients but im afraid to drive..because i am still hurting u no..but i cant hide out in the house either...
but some things ha ve come up inside with mommy being here..and everything...and so just having to go a bit slower with things right now...
and no t this week..and ppossibly no t next week..not sure on that one yet...but hopefully ill talk to courtney today at least for a little bit..and get some things out..
i mean yeah things could be a lot worse..and i am starting to feel better..and the cats are back at home now..so now i just need to focus on getting better...and not over doing it...thats the plan...
but still feeling a bit on the sad side of things...i dont know
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