It is not often that I talk about my anger at god relating to my past and experiences and things...most of the time i just keep it to myself you know..becuase it is so hard to understand why it is that i am so mad..i dont understand why i wasnt helped..why no one noticed how unhappy and hurt i was..how could no one notice?? was i that invisible ? did i deserve it that much ? was i that bad ? i dont know. i dont understand..all the times i was forced to church and was told that praying and being good and following the rules was what i was supposed to do..that god would save me if i prayed hard enough..if i tried hard enough..and i prayed..i did..i prayed as hard as i could asking for help and i was left there...i was left to be hurt..i was left and my sister was taken..i was left to be hurt and picked on and abused..and after a while i just stopped trying to ask for god to help me..i figured i wasnt important enough to be saved..that i had done something so very wrong that there was juts not any help left for me...i thought about dying, killing myself, running away, car accidents, death, so many different things just to escape a life that i wasnt able to deal with..and instead i ended up staying there..i lived and am still living..but my mind is broken..my heart is broken..and my body is broken...how do you ask for forgiveness for all the things ive done ? all the wrongs i have let happen or did myself..what forgiveness is left for me ? how do i find it ? am i worth it ?
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