finding the truth does not really help...

i have been against the surgery since before i even knew i would have to have surgery...didnt want it..not possible to even talk me into it..and then im presented with a situation where surgery is really the only option..one that it has taken a good while to even accept...never got around to liking it or wanting it..but somewhere in my head i know what it has to be done..it will be done and now it is much to late to back out of it...that being said ..ive had a million and one excuses about what can go wrong..why the surgery is not a good idea..why i dont want to do it..what im afraid of...and in all of it..i have missed the biggest most obvious reason ever..and i feel super stupid for not getting to this before now..and now it is to late..and there is nothing at all i can do about it...

the problem is not completely the surgery..its not being in the hospital..its not having to deal with the doctors and nurses...yes being put to sleep freaks me out..but while talking to the nurse today i realized that the bigger issue for me is that im not going to be allowed to stay dressed...and will only have the hospital gown..and no other protection at all...no other safety between my scars and the rest of the world..there is no way to hide..and i am not comfortable with that at all..and there is nothing i can do about it..no i dont want to talk to the doctors about it or explain it..but they will not be able to be hidden from the nurses or the doc...information i conviently left out..because in my head i was able to stay dressed..and i didnt have to get completely undressed..and yet somehow it never crossed my mind that i would be pretty much naked..wtf am i going to do...with my own anxiety going on..now i get to add in mommys comments and directions..and i dont think i can handle it..im not so sure i can handle it...and i have to take so many things into account and it makes me tired..and sad..and ashamed...very very ashamed..which is why i just wish i was going to be by myself ..so that i wouldnt have to answer to anyone..so that i would be able to scrap up just a bit of dignity..and instead..i feel like im left with nothing at all..and so no i am not feeling safe ..im not feeling protected...im scared..and mommy coming does not make me feel better...no it just doesnt ...

:(