from the very first day she got here the questions and accusations started..what have i been doing..why is my apartment such a mess..why dont i talk to her more..what do i have to hide? etc
she asks me if she was a good parent..she says she was a good parent and i look past her and think about everything else..i remember the hitting and yelling..i remember the threats and the pain and the sadness..i remember wanting to die every single day and not being able to do it..not going through with it..i remember when i stopped crying..and i remember when cutting became my cry for help i guess..but by then it was just to late...to late to safe me..to late to look for me...to late to say you cared..to late for im sorry and i love yous..it was all fake..and wrong and i dont believe it..i dont want it..
mommy came and i was expecting some things..but not everything...she asks me if she has done something..she tells me to be honest..she tells me she was a good parent..that she gave me everythin i wanted..that i got to do so much stuff as a kid...but what i dont remember is being loved..i dont remember being hugged..and i dont remember being wanted..
i dont have answers for her questions..i dont know how to make her feel better..because it goes against what i am feeling...what i know...it makes me doubt what i remember..and it makes me wonder what is so wrong with me that i only remember the bad stuff...where is the good stuff? where is the fun and all of the things that mommy is so sure she did for me..but pretty much i guess she is asking why i am so messed up..what is wrong with me? why dont i date more..why dont i go out more? really when i do bother going someone im questioned to death about it..when i go on a trip im questioned so much its not even fun anymore..when i do go to visit a friend i have to call home multiple times a day to check in..for what?? what am i doing? what does she think im doing ??
am i really the only one who remembers? am i making this all up? i remember the beatings..the hiding..the fear..i remember knowing on some level to never ever go to mommy for anything short of me dying on the floor..and even then i could question the need to really tell her or ask for help...no if i couldnt figure it out by myself then i just didnt need to know it..i was more afraid of her than i was of anything else..i am still afraid of her...she still controls me so very much and i still cant seem to break away from her completely..
while she was here this past week..i didnt realize that some of her questions made me doubt what i knew .. doubt the little bits and pieces that i did remember...she says she was a good parent..ok..yes we did travel a lot as children..we went to amusement parks and to visit family..we did all that i guess you are expected to do as a child growing up..in that extreme i guess i was lucky..ive traveled a lot of places...seen a lot of things...but at the same time ..we were all used against each other...my brothers and sisters and i...i knew to be quiet ..but sometimes it was the simple little questions that would point out that someone was lying about something..and somehow i just got the short end of the stck at those times...
mommy says she doesnt remember..but how can she forget? all the times i got the shit beat out of me for things i didnt do..only once i got a real apology..and again .it was one of those its a little to late for that...you cant take the beating back..how is she able to forget all the different things she used? anything within range..brushes..brooms..extention cords.. the broken base board..the plastic baseball bat..switches..whatever she could find..and when that wasnt enough..she would stand behind me and tell me e verything that was wrongw ith me ..everything that was wrong with what i was attempting to do..which was most likely cleaning or something...how could she forget all the times she threatened to leave me at home ...while my brothers and sisters were free from the same rules that i had...they didnt have to do what i did..they didnt have to clean like i did..and then i was never ready in time and so i was threatened with being left..with not being included..
she hated me..so why couldnt i hate me? i just got better and better at it..and i hid it well...anything could set it off and beacuse i was saying it all quietly to myself in my head..no one even knew just how much it was that i hated myself..hated everything about me..tried to kill off the parts of me that i didnt like..or want..and i was reminded quite often that there were a lot of things about me that just werent good enough..how i was compared to my brothers and sisters..why couldnt i be like them..
she seems to have forgetten that she made me eat out of the toliet...that she beat me for stealing food..because i wasnt allowed to have what my brothers and sisters had...she swore i pushed my younger brother down the steps..and i dont remember..i try to tell her i dont remember..and then im just in even more trouble..how could i forget?? well damnit how can she forget?? all the embarrassing, humiliating things she did to me..in front of other people...she told me that i wasnt able to go out with my brothers and sisters on a holiday because i had to stay at home and clean...and i wasnt allowed to go..i watched as everyone else got to go to the movies or something and i was left to clean up...i stopped asking for help..there was never ever any point at all..
stay up at night and think about how to run away...wonder how no one saw the unhappiness...and well i didnt matter i guess...i had a mission to die and i was going to make it happen...why did i care..mommy threatened to kill me anyway..and i wanted her to do it..she had the knife and everything and would have saved me the trouble...but again another threat..another lecture about how im nothing and she hates me..but i couldnt juts leave...i needed permission..i wanted permission to just leave..and i have never gotten it..and so i am tied to her...and cant get away...but i am still the awful selfish one because i dont visit enough..i dont care enough..i dont give enough...
the times i did need protecting no one was there...except she was there..in a different room..but i was the good girl..she said go play and so i went..but the game i didnt like.. i guess after that i started messing up all my dolls and what not..trying to make them better..trying to kill them...hurt them and love them...that was the game..that was what i understood.. the more it hurts..the more love there is...mindless puppet..act without thinking..move and play and do without responding..dont hold me down..dont want behind me..dont stand behind me...dont give me an ultimatum for something i want..dont make me do something i dont want to do...
you worked hard to scare me into submission and now you wonder why i stay away from everyone??? why im afraid of men? you taught me well...and then you called me a whore for my trouble..you swore i as a slut and that i would be caught...the naive child i was believed you and didnt understand what was supposed to be happening to me..what exactly was it that you were so positive i was doing? what was it that i constantly needed to be punished for?? but no i never did end up pregnant did i? how said is it that i was well into college before i even understand the meaning of the words whore and slut..college?! but fear of being caught at something..paranioa at being caught ..kept me in line i guess..the mindless little idiot that i was..the clueless little idiot that i was...and it was that naive little kid that got pushed into the real world..a world i didnt understand and wasnt ready for...and still i messed up..i was a screw up..and everyone knew it..
what i was 3 the first time i tried to run away from what i was told by my older brother...after that i think i was watched more closely i guess..but even then i wasnt the center of attention..not that i know or remember..i dont remember ,,my life is slipping me by and still i cant seem to grasp on to it or keep up with itt..i still forget...i still dont remember...and at these times all i have is my silence..all i can do is lock myself away to keep myself safe..and with mommmy here and in my space..no i havent been feeling safe at all..
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