ive been purging ...binging and purging and hiding and lying and just its the whole cycle starting all over again..it used to be really bad..purging two or three times a day..right now its once maybe every other day..but all im doing is sitting here and thinking about which foods are easy to purge...im sitting here thinking about just how much i need to drink inorder to make the purging easier..all those numbers and tricks and charts and games are just filling my head again ...and i want it..i want something that will get the pain out..i want something that will just make me forget that im hurting ..that im feeling bad..that im just messing up..and i dont know how to stop it..im not sure i want to stop it...i tell myself that its going to be ok..that i can stay in control and that i only need it for a little while..and that it wont get out of hand...but is that what is going to happen? can i honestly say that it wont get out of control? this one i hide much more carefully than the si..i would rather die than to acknowledge that i am purging..and that i like it..i want it..it hurts and i need to remember what it is to hurt..i need to separate ...i need to be able to separate the pain out...i need something to focus on...and im just not sure what is going to happen...for now ..i will just track it...and track what im eating..and my weight..but i just dont know...i dont know how hard im willing to fight this one...not right now...
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