Silence

I am shutting down, withdrawing, I dont want to talk to anyone.  I dont want to be near anyone.   I just want to be left alone for now.  I am scared, nervous, and anxious, and it feels like I am running out of time. I dont feel safe, and my space will be invaded next week.  All these months of hurting may finally end and all I can think about is how afraid I am.  How much I dont want the surgery anymore. I dont care about the hurting.  I am afraid and I am sad and I no longer now how to even be heard about it.  I am tired of all of it at this point.  Im tired of the back and forth, the indecisions of the doctor, waiting, being afraid that I am dying.  I dont care how simple of a surgery this may be, and also because there is a chance that I will have to get the full out surgery and so still I will be walking into surgery without knowing completely what is going to happen. It may be simple. I may be more than that but I dont know.  Still I have all of these days of waiting to find out.  I cant do anything at all about it. I cant do anything and  I know I am being irrational, I know I am not thinking clearly at all.  I am currently very anxious and hurting.  I am supposed to be going in and having lab work done and things.  I say that like i am not going.  I am going and I hope it goes okay.  My fear has become an almost tangible thing.  The need to move, to hide is strong. I want to disappear, I want to be alone.  Maybe it is that my mom will be here next week for an undetermined about of time that is making me more anxious.  This is my space, my area, and my space is about to be invaded big time..

I wont have taji and bounce here either.  I am to worried about my sister being pregnant and around the cats/cat litter.  I am sad about it, very very sad about it but I am trying to keep everyone elses best interest in mind.  Not so much my interest per say.  I know they will be safe with my friend, but at the same time I am terrified that they will forget me,  they will no longer want me.  I am feeling very insignificant,  easily replaced, easily forgotten. I feel like i am abandoning them at a time when I need them the most.

At a time when I should be reaching out more for support, knowing that I am having a hard time dealing with this.  Instead I am hiding.  I am silent. I am just trying to make it through the day and the closer it gets to the surgery the more afraid I am. Im not even sure I can handle a session with Alice next week.  Im so worried about everything right now.  I feel like there is so much to do before mommy gets here.  I know she said that its ok and she knows that I am not a daily cleaner, but at the same time I know she will get here and I wont hear the end of it.  I will be reminded again and again of how useless and stupid I am.  I will just be reminded that I am lacking in some skill and told that I need to be ashamed of how I am living.  Again I will have failed at life in general.  Everyone asks if my mom is coming up and I say yes.  That is not an easy yes to get out, there is so much attached to that yes and so few people know the real turmiol that comes with mommy coming.  I would be considered the most heartless and selfish person in the world if i even tried to tell her not to come. 

I have switched back to survival mode.  I have to manage.  I have to be brave and not scared. I cant show fear, I cant cry.  Everything is building up inside of me, all the fear and pain and hurting. The uncertainties, the rushing, the push to get answers and not being able to. The constant fears of failing, of more hurting, and I know I am not dealing.  Yet right now somehow whatever it is that is holding me together is very fragile, easily broken.  Am I safe? Am I stable?  Will I die by accident in surgery and be put out of my misery? Finally. It wouldnt be a far jump to say I am feeling a bit suicidal.  The need to just numb everything out, to juts let everything go and leave me alone for a little while.  I want to lay down and not have to get back up.  Going into the hospital with fresh cuts is not a good idea. I know that.  There are other ways of hurting myself that dont include cutting at all.  That is all I think about. That is my only escape from life.