more and more and more thinking

things have been really hard this week..having to adjust to the limiations the body has currently..and i know they wont last for forever..but just not being able to do stuff and having to take breaks..and getting tired so easily..its frustrating and i dont like it..and so all the stuff my mom was telling me and is still telling me is overwhelming my thoughts..and i have no patience for myself at all..i know i need to rest and be careful and take it slow but my mom just wont let it go and has told me now more than once that my particular surgery has a 3 - 5 day healing time.and since im still not up and about then im not trying and im just being lazy and on and on and on...im still sore and hurting..no not as bad..and i can tell things are healing up..but its like im not getting there fast enough..and so that means i try pushing myself..and end up over doing it and then i cant do anything anyway..ugh ...

and not feeling safe still from mommy being here..i am  so so so worried she is just going to show back up..and stay again..and its not like she listened to me when i asked her not to go in my room..and so its like once again our privacy is violated..our space is violated..and just dont have that same level of comfort any more right now..and trying to again take things slow and go out when i can and know that i have the keys to the apartment and there are no extra keys going around or anything..and that mommy cant get back to my house anyway with out help ...but still the fear and paranoia has set in..and hiding in the house is going on..afraid to go out..afraid something is going to happen..be it surgery related or mom related..but the safety issue is a big big deal...and i know i cant keep hiding in the house but i dont know what else to do right now..come monday i have to leave the house and go to work..

and mommy pulled the same thing she always does when she is around me lately...she asks all these questions aobut if she was a good parent..and that i had everything as a kid..and so on and so forthh...looking to me for answers and comfort i guess..and what do i say ? would i really say no you werent a good parent..when you are in my house and helping take care of me while i cant do it myself and you really think im going to say no?!!?!i guess i said some form of yes...promised to do better..to be healthier..to get out more..all the stuff that she tells me i need to do...and because i couldnt do for myself ..all body privacy was once again violated..but just not ready to get into that one...but i dont like being touched..or petted or laid against or any of it..and she does it on purpose..but then with these conversations she says she was a good parent and doesnt remember anything or didnt do anything bad and its like i cant wrap my head around any of it...how can she not remember ? i mean my memory isnt the greatest but gosh darn there are some things i am pretty sure on..things that have been remembered and brought up by my brothers and sisters...not me...and still she says no..she says it didnt happen... am i that stupid that i forgot everything ? but most of the time its not even me bringing stuff up to questions..its my brothers and sisters and im the one just listening ..and wondering because a lot of the time i dont remember ..and i need to think you know...and all it does is confuse me..make me doubt everything...but i know what she has said..what she still says..i know what she has accused me of..and said ive done...i know that because she still says it..and she hides it in that she says its better i hear from her before i hear it from someone else..and she is only trying to help me.. i dont think that is the kind of help i need

i just dont know...trying to keep it together ... and still just not really together..and now there are issues with controlling who is out and all of that..and not being able to keep things in order..and there are all the issues with the surgery and being in the hospital that has caused upsets too..and it feels like everything is juts completely on overload right now...

monday i have to go to work..i cant miss any more work..taking forever to do stuff or not..i cant miss anymore work..and that means that yes i actually do have to get up and do all the daily stuff...i have a lot of paperwork to catch up on tomorrow..so that it can all be turned in on monday...plus i have doc appts myself next week..and i think ive managed to schedule like 3 appts on the same freaking day and i dont remember..and its worrying me so so much..cas i dont know which doc im supposed to see when..and then trying to get back into a schedule with my clients and seeing them..and knowing that i cant be out all day just yet has me ready to juts cry in frustration...

i dont know what im doing right now...just trying to do what i can and leave what i cant alone..but i worry and stress and worry some more...-sigh-