there is not enough to share...

i saw alice last week..and i told her that this wouldnt be the greateest week...but i was wrong...this week has been awful for all of the reasons that i didnt even list with her...the depression is hiting hard..and i did totally shut down for a couple days due to feeling super unsafe with myself...im trying not to do anything today that will get me out of the house to buy any razors...how long as it been?  12/15/12 was the last time i cut..almost two months..trying so hard to remember that and not go backwards again..but i am hurt..and once again i am reminded of just how important i am..and i am questioning what my worth is..am i important?  am i needed?  does anyone at all need me??  those are the thoughts running through my head..that has me ready to cry because i am feeling so hurt ..and alone..and i cant even talk to my sister since she is out of town..and i dont know...maybe im jut being a baby and over reacting..i mean i am an adult..i shouldnt need anyone to take care of me..i should be able to take care of myself..but mommy has once again put a limit on how much help she will be able to give...how much help i will truly need..for me there is a limit...and with the limit i would just rather not bother..i dont want it..i dont want her..and she has even made me doubt my sister being able to come and stay for a few days...and in the end it will jut be me..and i will just have to manage as i can...i dont know why i thought this would be any different..i really didnt...i dont ask for much..i really dont...but i wanted the attention..i wanted the support this time..because i am scared..but im not supposed to show that fear either..this is a simple surgery so what do i have to be afraid of?? no im not going to need much im told..mommy has told me and told me over and over that this is simple..that i will be fine..darn me for thinking anything different...darn me for thinking that i was important enough to just get the support and attention for this one time..but again i asked for too much..my needs cant be met..because i am to needy...because im a baby...and so i have been reminded of my place...reminded of what i can and cant have...and i feel so very alone..sad..broken...the pain is back..but again i will do what i am used to doing..smile and pretend it is not there...that is all im good for..stupid me for forgetting...i wont forget again...i wont..