i think that today in therapy i became down right scared..like heart stopping fear..and i dont really remember what the cause of it was..i know we were talking about my lack of eye contact..and i know we had talked about how it can be perceived...and somehow the anxiety turned into fear..i couldnt do it..i cant do it..yes it is a habit ...but i am afraid...im not able to protect myself if i look at someone and maybe that is the part of it that i need to tell alice..that im just afraid and scared and worried that something bad will happen and i will be hurt..becuase looking at someone means i am letting them in compeltely..im not avoiding them..im seeing them and they are seeing me..and i cant hide...i so very much want to hide..but what is it that i am hiding from?? the shame and guilt..the fear of being in trouble..of not being enough...the old thoughts of if you knew me..if you knew the real me..you would hate me too...i try to protect other ppl from my badness..and so i avoid connecting..i avoid all types of realtionships..i can be polite and nice and kind..but i still dont let many ppl in at all...because then i get hurt..and so i pretend i dont care..i pretend it doesnt hurt...at the bottom of it all is my non exisitent self worth..im not important..im not wanted or needed..and i still believe that..how can i trust myself when i still balked at the very idea of my existence...i may be more stable these days..and that is even a touch and go type stableness lately..im tired of fighting..for myself..with myself..against myself...i think the suicidal feelings and urges are sneaking back in..the need to hurt..the need to numb everything out...the need to just not exist...and im trying to fight it i am..but every day it gets a little bit harder...every day it takes so much energy...im closing in on myself..im closing in on everything..shutting down..trying to disappear...and im just tired...
i dont want to pretend to be happy..i dont want to pretend to be anything..but pretending is all i have..happiness and contentment still elode me..i cant find it...i want it but i cant find it..and maybe i just need to stop looking ..
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