anxiety....

To say things are making me anxious would be putting it nicely.... i found out yesterday that nia is on a cruise with her husband for valentines day..and the jealously was instant...i told her in the end that i was happy and hoped she had a good trip.. and i do..i am..maybe i am just feeling lonely lately..and just not feeling good and struggling so much to juts get through the day..im tired....and the urge to cut is just getting stronger..the urge to just numb out and not deal with anything is getting stronger..i want to sleep so that i dont have to think anymore.. my brother is having surgery today and i am scared for him..im ashamed at how jealous i am feeling that he is getting care and support and i am left alone to my own devices even though i am sick and been looking at having surgery for like 3 weeks now..but him getting hurt became more important..he needed immediate help and care..and so i am just back to saying that i am fine..no one likes a complainer and so i will just keep my thoughts and how i am feeling to myself..there is no point...no point in asking for anything at all..from anyone...

yesterday my anxiety spiked again with a work issue..and i was scared..i wanted to cry..and i didnt know what to do..i ended up at the dentist with a clients son...i had to go back with him because his mom couldnt do it because she is pregnant and they were giving the kid laughing gas ..which can be dangerous to pregnant women..so i went back with him..and the kid was having a tooth pulled and some fillings pput in...the fillings part was ok..he did a great job...but when they got to the pulling the tooth out..the kid lost it..and he was crying and calling for me and i couldnt do anything at all to help him..i told him i was there and finally i asked the doc if they could sit him up..becuase he wasnt hearing what they needed to do..and they got him sitting up and i was finally able to go and sit with him..and i held him..and talked to him..and got him calmed down..but with his tooth out it was bleeding and that was freakking him out and so he kept getting worked up..and so juts couldnt get him to stay calm...and i ended up calling his mom because she had walked to a different store and i told her she needed to come back now..and i ended up standing/sitting outside with the little boy..i was holding him..and got him wrapped in my coat because it was rainy and what not and we are just sitting outside..and i held him, and rocked him, and got him calmed down..and we just sat there for a while..while his mom went back to talk to the doc and go get him some medicine..and slowly he calmed down and was just laying against me..i talked to him, and kept him against me, and kept rocking him..until everything else was takin care of and then i got him in the car...and we went on with the day..but my anxiety was up..i was scared..i kept hearing him calling me for help and i couldnt get to him..i couldnt do anything until the doc was done..because the tooth was already out..it was just getting him to calm down and listen to the doc and getting him to help with stopping the bleeding by biting the gauze...and finally the docs moved away enough for me to get to him, and i hugged him..and held him..and told him over and over that he had done a good job...i had to talk to him and get him to look at me to tell him what the doc needed him to do..but becuase he was crying and pushing the gauze out of his mouth they couldnt get the bleeding to stop..and so he kept touching the area where his tooth was gone and freaking out more..and it was just so so nerve wrecking...they had to go to the store a little bit later and so i stayed in the car because i had you know blood and spit all down the front of my shirt from when he had been laying against me...which i didnt care about at all..but i wasnt aboout to walk into the store like that either..and so i used the time in the car to kinda calm down..i texted a friend and let her know that i was seriously worked up and needed help calming down ..and i played a game on my kindle and then put the relaxing music thingy on and had that play for a little while as i continued to try and calm down...and by the time it was time to take them home i was tired...worn out..achy..just not in the mood for anything at all .and i just wanted to go home and sleep and becuase they are so much farther away it takes longer to get to her..and its harder on me..driving back and forth to her...

my anxiety is raised anyway because of my appt next week to talk to the surgeon and finding out about all of that...i have asked someone to go with me to the appt..because i am scared..but will see how that goes...

there is juts to much going on right now..and i know i am just running myself down trying to do so much..but just sitting at home would drive me crazy..and the funny thing is that all i want to do is just stay at home and stay in bed...

maybe i willl find something nice to do for myself today as it is vday...i dont know..