but i saw the surgeon on thursday..and it was a very shaming experience...i really feel that the doctor couldnt get past my size...couldnt focus on the fact that i was hurting..and instead told me repeatedly that i need to lose weight..that i should consider weight loss surgery..that its because im overweight that i am having problems not the pain from my gall bladder..and i listened...asked a few questions..felt really ashamed of myself...because once again its my size that is the problem..its my size that is being pointed out..and it hurt me..because i know im overweight..i know i should lose weight..i know all of that..but i didnt go see the surgeon to talk about losing weight..i went to him because i was hurting and i want that fixed...and then i can figure out what else is going on if anything..and so yes i was very hurt and ashamed and upset...i left without scheduling anything because i just couldnt get past what the doc said...talked to the person who had gone with me a little bit..and heard most of what she had said...but still i couldnt stop the tears from coming when i was by myself...i couldnt understand how things had gotten so turned out and messed up so quickly...i didnt know what to do..what to say..i know i am in pain..and i know my gallbladder is a part of it..there may be other stuff going on..but i can only deal with one thing at a time..when i was able to calm down and realize that i was becoming overwhelmed..and upset and struggling to plan what i needed to do..and it took a little while but i finally decided on a course of action...the gall bladder is something i know is wrong..something i know that can be fixed...and that is what will be worked on first...and i will deal with what ever surgery i end up having..and whatever i will be able to do or not do and recovery and all of that...i cant do a million things at once..and trying is only going to stress me out...and so i went ahead and asked for the surgery to be scheduled..i realized that i am the one in pain..and i really dont care what the surgeon thinks because i dont agree with his assessment..yes i am overweight..i have been overweight my entire life...i know that..but it is my gallbladder that is the known issue right now..that is what i want fixed right now...and the rest..well the rest is juts gonna hhave to work on it as it comes up...yes i know the importance of eating healthy..i do..i understand the need to stay healthy and get to a healthier weight..but i hate when that is made to be the whole problem..tell me something i dont know...tell me something useful...i refuse to have surgery to lose weight..i do..im not doing it..i dont care what anyone says about it..im not doing that...and so that is where things are at right now...between now and the surgery..yes i will be paying attention to what i am eating...yes i will be more vigilant about how i am feeling and not binging out on junk food..but having another doc tell me to lose weight is not going to get to me do anything..but the opposite really..tell me what to do and ill do exactly the opposite...i dont work like that..ill hear you and not hear you at the same time...but i just needed to get some of that out...
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