i had another long convo with my supervisor this evening..she told me i had ten minutes..and an hour later we are preparing to leave the office..i knew my supervisor would get going and then i would be able to stay with her..we are really wanting to stay with her. to be around her. to listen to her. and she gave us a big big hug before we left..she does the mini back rubs to with us all the time..its just a bit more noticeable now..i dont mind her touch. i can handle her touch..
but we talked more about stuff today..and no she cant be my t cas i asked ... we had watched this video thing during the staff meeting and yes i watched it and felt it was like just screaming about what i had talked to my supervisor about the other day..later on when it was just me and the supervisor she showed it to my again..and talked about the whole thing and how it related to me..and how it was for me..and how it could be me..the living..the achieving my dreams..all of this stuff..and she talked about again it not being my fault and that i was lead to believe all this stuff thats not true..and that i am unique and special..and that i can do anything i set my mind to..and that being made to believe stuff thats not true doesnt have to happen anymore..and that i had to make a decision about what i wanted to do..and she told me that she hoped i would make that decision sooner rather than later.. i told her i was scared..
i asked her about my future...she told me that she could see things getting better for me...i asked her about children..and she said she saw me more in the adoption end of things..moreso than having my own...i wanted to ask her if she knew how i died but of course she picked that moment to tell me that only god knows the future (something like that) ..and i asked her about my past..and she keeps bringing up an incident that i dont remember...which led to a whole conversation about blocking and dissociation..she told me that i would be a good canidate for hypnosis..and possibly energy work...ive never really considered hypnosis..but i have considered energy work..but again thats stuff that cant be done alone and has to be done with a specialized person and all of that..but again she told me that you know there were prolly good reasons for why i have things blocked out..and that she wasnt going to start telling me stuff and could possibly trigger a reaction..and she told me that she knew she was triggering some things from us talking and what not..but that she didnt want to open a can of worms that i wasnt ready to deal with..
it is so odd ...feeling like someone has just opened up my head and is walking around inside and just pulling out all of this information..i feel so exposed and vulnerable with her..but its a much more manageable level this time around...maybe i just want things to get better..maybe i just want to believe her..and i want to know that things can be better and i dont have to be stuck anymore..that i have to start working on it now because i have a story to tell..and my story will help other people...how can i have a story that im not completely sure about and most certainly dont remember??
i talked a little bit about how to deal with the overwhelmingness of bringing all this stuff up..we talked about my niece and the possible adoption of a baby..big possible but a possible all the same..
well again it was a lot of her talking and me just sorta listening and trying to keep up and trying to believe her words and hear what she was saying..
she told me that she was proud of me for calling the counseling place..and i did call and the lady who was recommended isnt taking new clients right now..my supervisor said that she would get more info for me though about other ppl she knows..and can recommend..
i mentioned the conference down in fla in jan and mentioned that i wanted to go..and told her what it was about..her response?? she told me that dissociation was a defense mechanism also..and i told her i knew that and that sometimes its seen a been crazy when ppl mention hearing stuff...and i had to let that conversation drop..
and she gave me a hug before i left..and i did want to cry lots today with her. but i didnt. when she refers to the younger me that she sees..she told me that i was crying..that i was so very sad...so very hurt..and i hear her and its like gosh that must have really been forever ago because i havent cried for myself in forever..im not even sure i can anymore..i cant feel enough for the hurting parts to be able to cry or grieve or acknowledge..i cant do that..i cant break down the walls and allow all of that hurt and pain and fear to get out..i would go insane..and thats prolly what my supervisor is trying to tell me..that i have to let it out..that i have to deal with the emotions..i have to feel them..i have to understand them, process them..and let them go..but the fear holds me back. it holds me prisoner..when she was hugging me she told me that i was beginning to chip away at stuff..but that there was still a long road ahead of me..where as all i wanted to do was melt into her and ask her to never let me go .. instead all i said was ok and i don't know just hugged her..small measure of comfort in the chaos that is my head ..
and for all of this it feels like i have more questions than answers..and i know that there is only so far my supervisor will go with me..but i figure i may as well push a bit and see what happens..but she will not be my t and i have to get used to that..i know she will talk to me though..and i know she will support me..and maybe that is what i need from her.. but that doesnt stop me from wanting so much more from her..and im pretty sure she prolly knows that too darn it..her and knowing stuff is so creepy..and well i sorta told her that ..
i asked her if it was so obvious that i was unhappy and she told me no..that she could pick up on it..but that not everyone would..
i want it though..the life she sees for me..she told me that i am still a victim..that i have become comfortable being a victim..that i know and understand what it means to be a victim..and that now my task is to learn how to live..how to thrive and not just survive..it would be nice to actually want to be apart of my life..be able to see more than just getting through the day..it would be nice to actually want to be alive..
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