i cant do this

im not feeling completely safe with myself tonight. im really not. i want to cut..i want to hurt..i want something to focus on that will stop my mind from going in circles..im scared..im anxious..im nervous..i want to be comforted.i want to be hugged and talked to..i to feel like i matter to someone..to anyone..i want to not feel invisible and alone..i want to be important..i want to demand to be seen and heard.. i wish i was important..and worth something..i wish i could manage myself without needing someone outside of me for comfort..but thats what all of this stuff is bringing up..i want to be reassured and i want to be comforted ..and the need to cry makes me feel vulnerable..exposed..i dont want to bring up the past..but little bits and pieces are creeping out...thoughts and wanting something better..i dont know what to dow ith myself..im afraid to depend on someone else for my support..im afraid that she cant give me what i need and then i feel horrible for being so needy ..for needing so much ..i feel like i need constant support and reassurance and i cant do that with myself..i dont know how to do it for myself..and right now im having trouble with focusing and getting my head in order..im feeling overwhelmed and unsure of things ..i want to go to sleep but i know if i get up right now ill go for my razors before i go for my medicine..and what then..i have tried some things to calm down..ive written..i asked a friend for ideas of things to do..im listening to music but nothing is helping..im still afraid...im still wanting a break from myself..