not doing so great....

it feels like i am falling apart..and its happening slowly enough that its almost like im just stuck watching it happen .. the hug issue has come up again and the no touching rule really has come back to bite me..i keep everyone at arms length and then i have times like now when i just want to be comforted or touched or hugged and there is no one there..and i know i can be very demanding on ppl i attach to and get really upset and hurt when they cant meet my needs either :< i have so many needs and no way to manage them all. i know i wasnt touched and comforted enough as a baby or a child..my views on being touched is so very messed up...and i just ,end up confused and unsure of what to do. im trying to tell my supervisor why it is that i need hugs from her and only her and she is telling me why i need to comfort myself..and i tell her i cant do it. how can i
comfort myself when i dont like myself..and i wonder why the kids dont want me to comfort them. i cant do it . im useless 

^^ i wrote that earlier today..during a rather low moment...

im feeling down now..and feeling rather upset and worthless..but im not wanting to cut..just feeling sad you know..

my supervisor is so darn good at setting boundaries and im trying to respect them..ok no im not..im mad at her for setting them..for not giving me what i want..i want her to be able to talk to me all the time..and i want her to give me lots of hugs..and if i was being completely honest ..i would say that i want her to adopt me..to take me home and let me stay with her and have her undivided attention all the time..and well i know that wont happen..but my thinking is rather illogical..and i have the whole thing playing out in my head..hugs and safety and support..crap im a kid in all of this..like literally small enough to pick up and cuddle and the need for it to be that way is so  very very strong..and i dont know how to get myself to understand and see that the 'dream' is not even possible..that i am supposed to be an adult ..and me trying to cuddle is not really all that umm appropriate..not the way they want it..i have to fight the urge to try to press against her neck when she does hug me..you know how you hug a kid and they sorta just fold into you and tuck themselves into your neck?  thats what 'i' want..and there are so very many reasons why that cant happen..and i realize that yes its prolly very very good that my supervisor is able to stick with her boundaries..because its like mine have disappeared in all of like 3 or 4 days..the sudden need to  be around her 24/7 lets me know that i have let go of everything and just want her to be there all the time..and i dont know how to get those boundaries back..she told me today when i was trying to explain why it is that i needed her hugs and only her hugs..she told me that i had to work on comforting myself and all of that..and that she wasnt going to let me text her anymore for the day..and me being me..well i called instead of texted and she sooo didnt answer the phone *insert grumbling face here* cas of course she knows when i am calling due..my name comes up on the phones at the office..but yeah she effectively cut me off ..and so i tried to rein in my umm needs to be in contact with her..and only messaged her like a couple other times..and my last text she hasnt answered at all..and yes i have been trying to plot a way to go to the office and see her tomorrow..and yes it is that bad..like literally THAT bad right now.. im amusing this is no where near being done with..and im sure my supervisor will talk to me about my behavior..and all of that..and im trying to maintain but its hard..because my wants and needs are all mixed up and i need comfort..i want a hug..both seem to be the same thing to me..it does..and i dont think that it will help me any at all you know..oh i dont know..

i think ive calmed down enough to get through until i see t next week..i hope..i do see the pdoc tomorrow and i hope she can help me..i did manage to do the vcc thing and they are missing one more piece of information from me..and then i have to wait a couple weeks to hear back about a decision...so im hoping it will be good news...i really need the pdoc to help me..my head is royally messed up right now..and the depression is killing me..i mean so much stuff is suddenly going on and my anxiety is just all over the place...i am going to ask about the therapist there..cas it will be cheaper..and i do need to see someone on a regular basis..i cant do this without support..i mean i used to joke that i needed therapy just to deal with being in therapist and all that it brought up..i think that is sorta true..i need to see someone on a freaking weekly basis..and i dont know...is it wrong to want to be in therapy and just completely start over...let someone work with me who does not get a preconceived notion about me? i dont know..i feel guilty..but i think that more and more thats what i want to do..have two therapist.and that way i can keep my t i know and see her every other week while at the same time working on harder stuff...and still having the support of the t im used to..does that make me a bad person? is it wrong ? i mean obviously im not going to be going and talking to them about each other..and im really not sure how to get anymore extra support...i know i need more support..and i dont know how to get it..and it scares me..needing so much..wanting so much support and wanting to just talk and work on stuff and being afraid..i am afraid..im afraid to go and talk to my t next week and tell her all that is going on..and thats another thing..like an hour is just so not enough..crap if i could see a t twice a week that would be awesome..but im only saying that for like 2 hours a week..not like 20 hours of therapy a week..i cant do that...crap that would be like a full time freaking job..but at the same time i want to feel better..i want to feel more contained..and not so frazzled and easily upset or easily happy and goofy..
i mean today i got flowers while with a client and seriously it made me incredibly happy...instant happiness you know..and then later i was with someone else and feeling sorta quiet and down and we went to the grocery store and i like flipped out about a sandwich cutter that took the crust off the bread lol..i mean you would have thought i was about 6 ( no pun intended here) but again it was like instant i want i want i want and you cant tell me no typpe thinking..had to walk away from that..but did get the donald duck orange juice ..because well donald duck was on it..and i was drawn to it...yes that is pretty much how my head works..yeah...and im how old ??

still really anxious about the whole court thing for work..i know in the end i will do it and do my best..but the waiting and the time leading up to it is really causing a lot of panic and anxiety..and panic..did i say panic ?? ugh.

you know ive had a new hair style for almost a full week and it still amkes me nervous..you know change is supposed to be good..but goodness..its just my hair but its different..its new..it makes me feel different in some ways.but then i get nervous when ppl do notice it and look at me and stuff..my bosses at work gave me so many compliments that i thought i was going to die on the spot..i couldnt look at her i was so embarrassed !  she of course mentioned my lack of eye contact and told me that she would stop lol..darn it ..my eye contact is getting me called out so very much right now at work! im still getting used to it though and its not like i can just go back and change it right now ..so yeah..just trying to deal with it..and everything..

something that has bothered me a bit this week is mommys ability to make me feel like shit so easily..all she does is just tlak to me and im defensive and lying about something and just i dont know..i try so hard to do stuff that will make her like me but still im just not good enough..ill never be good enough :( i keep trying and trying and still its no better..how is it that others like my hair change and mommy just keeps asking me why i did it..i would do anything to my hair and just down plays everything..which makes me doubt myself..which makes me afraid and sad..and just so unsure of myself..i wish i could be enough..i wish she would like me..i think aobut my family and realize that there is no one in my immediate family that i am comfortable getting a hug from..it just doesnt happen...never never from mommy..unless i have to..but there is no love in it..its just something that has to be done at times..but like with my brothers and sisters..no.with an aunt maybe if its been a while you know..but like with immediate family its like no touching..no hugs..no comfort..and i really question my overwhelming need for comfort???? i never got it..you know i never learned it was okay to becomforted and to be loved and hugged and all of that in a good way..i did to stay out of the way if i didnt want to be hit though..i knew how to disappear..but i dont know how to ask for a hug :( its all backwards..its all messed up..and just makes me feel so sad...so inadequate..so very alone..all of this makes me feel so alonee...like im just forced to try to deal with all of this on my own..and i cant..and it feels like im just going to fail..to give up..or make excuse after excuse..

i did look up thearpist who specialist in hypnosis..and ive found a couple places...one that i may actually call..but it scares me..how can i walk in to see someone who i have never met and trust them to hyponotize me? how do i feel safe with that ? how can i let someone take me so far out of my comfort zone??? i dont know..it does scare me badly..but i am slightly interiqed at the same time..i want to know what it is that ive forgotten..i want to learn the truth..if i can deal with it is still up for debate..but im tired of not knowing...im tired of not being able to get past the fear..and so im willing to try it and see..im also willing to try the feiki energy type stuff..that does interest me..i find it makes sense to me..and so that i can consider..i want to try the different massages and all of that in the wellness place.you know massages, reiki, etc and so on..just to see..i mean it cant hurt anything ..can it ?

im trying hard to get more hours at work..to kinda help with all of the holiday traveling and stuff..and christmas and everything..gotta get more hours in..really do...so work is going ok i guess..paperwork is still a hassle but am trying to get better with that..i can no longer use monday for notes..not with so many clients now

hmm well i think ive cleared my head for the night...i think ill try to sleep now..