it was important stuff you know and its like its all just leaked out
of my head and i dont remember..i hate when i dont remember..i saw t today..and well we talked..and i filled her in on some stuff that has been going on..and she told me that i should have called last week when i was feeling so unsafe.and that she would have fit me in..but umm i let her know about the court stuff and the supervisor stuff..and yeah..of course she agreed! but well long story short..we talked and i asked to come every week again..and she agreed to that ..as long as i agreed that i would really start working on stuff..and i agreed...against all of my better judgement i agreed..and i feel better..being able to see her regularly again..and that did calm things down a bit..so we will see how that goes..for now im going to stay with her instead of changing..t said that she would be ok if i felt like starting over with a different t..and that made me sad but i realize that she is right..each t takes me a little bit further you know..so yeah we will see...i did call the other therapist but she was out today..so i just left a message for her..so will see about her at least..and meet her again..but yes for now we are going to stay with current t.
and then saw my supervisor to talk about court stuff..and then other stuff..and of course my lack of eye contact..my supervisor made me look at her..and i thought my eye balls were going to fall out of my head.. i could feel myself wanting to avoid her and having to close my eyes because of feeling so overwhelmed by it...she said i had to count to 10 ..i had to look at her for 10 secs..and she started over everytime i avoided her big time...oooh it was so frustrating because she didnt give up..she had me go for the whole 10 secs and started over like 10 times! and then she 'watched me interact and look at the new office manager' to ask for something i needed..and i almost panicked..just in general from feeling so scared..but she did watch me..and i was really anxious about it..but she said i did good afterwards..and of course she told me that she saw me stop looking at him..i told her she is going to be the death of me.. but crap is that what its going to take ?? me being told repeatedly to look at someone..i mean really there is not many ppl that can help me with this..and call me out on not looking..crap crap crap..but if i have everyone possible calling me on it then maybe ill get better..maybe? who knows.. and then i asked for a hug and she told me that i had to show her that i could give myself a hug..and she again wasnt going to give me a hug until i showed her..and so i did it really fast and she gave me a hug
success on that one ..but yeah did some work today..and now im home and so tired but cant sleep..all out of night meds until friday it seems ..and i want to sleep so very much..ugh..didnt do so good last night sleeping..so yeah..not holding out much hope for tonight..but going to try..if i cant ..maybe ill actually clean the kitchen..but i really do want to sleep..have i said that??
hmm yeah just trying to make it to friday..thats my goal..
oh thursday the minions are going to the vet ...for flea medicine and all of that...bounces fur is all nasty and i rub her and just want to give her a freaking bath..theres is the flea dirt stuff all along her spine and i mess with her fur and i just want to give her a good scrub..but gotta wait for her to get the flea meds and what not..and see what i can do..i just dont want them to be all itchy and what not...so yeah..thursday ill find out more about all of that...
ok yeah going to try for sleep
laters
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