not great

Currently feeling really really depressed, I want to cry and the thought of being alone tonight scares me a little bit. It is entirely my fault I guess for triggering myself into such a bad mood, but now its here and I have to deal with it some how. I dont want to deal with it though, I just want to lay down and sleep and not think about how badly im feeling.

What is it about parents that lets them be able to excuse there actions? To make it ok for them to hurt there kids because they want to, because they can? Who had the bright idea to think that up and then let parents run with it. I wasnt a toy that could be broken and put back together over and over again. I just broke and stayed broken i guess. I am not ready to forgive and I dont want to, but I think the expectation is there. Im supposed to forever, Im supposed to be better and ok. Im not though, and any thing can set me up to feel horrible. I hate triggers, I really do.

It is so easy to start thinking about bad things, to want to cut or hide, or isolate. I have a roommate and sometimes I still feel alone. When I lived with mommy it was the same thing, if she was home I wasnt alone, if my brothers or sisters or someone else was there. Then I wasnt alone but i always felt alone. I was always in my own space and couldnt be touched, or reached or hurt. I was alone and I made it that way. It not getting any better. Tonight when yvonne came and home and told me she was spending the night some where else, i was worried for myself. I could have done any number of things to let her know I wasnt really ok but I cant do that. I still cant do that. Now Im alone, I feel alone, and just hurt right now. Im not physically hurt in any way though.

the sadness eats at me, and makes me feel so hopeless and lost. Always when feeling like this I want the pain of cutting or doing something that hurts. I crave it in a way I think, to escape everything else. Some escapes can only be obtained I guess through pain. It makes me feel crazy to want the pain, to want to hurt myself on purpose, because it will make me feel better for a little while. Even knowing that doesnt make me want it any less. I know it, thats something that is familiar and safe and easy. All I have to do is clean up the mess, although Im majorly into I dont care mode right now. and its hard to do anything at all.