I went and saw my new therapist this week..i guess she was ok..im not sure yet what i think about her..shes was ok is all..her office is worse than lindas and so not my fault that they both have the same name! haha..kinda funny though..but i went and it didnt kill me..although i thought it was going to..im still not liking that i have to change..and im still mad that linda wont move up here and keep working with me..i guess i know that she really cant just pick up and move like that..but i still want her to.. but so i saw the other therapist and answered her questions for the most part..tried to pay attention and not get to incredibly stressed out with it..but she asked a question and it was umm..if i woke up tomorrow and i miracle had happened over night what would it look like.,,i really hate the what would it look like questions..but anyway that was the question and i gave her an answer and she asked me to think about it a little bit more..and as soon as she asked the question i was thinking like holy cow you know..if it could be anything at all..then i wanted like a castle and a dragon and i would be in the middle of this awesome meadow..and so on..but then i had to reign myself in and so a little more control than that..and i think i ended up telling her that i was going to have a house in like alaska and that i was going to be happy and travel and get to do whatever i wanted...but its like thats just the surface stuff...because if i had a miracle and things could be the way i wanted them to be then i just think it would involve more than just the surface stuff..more than just wanting to be happy..more than just having my way..i admit i havent really thought about it..and i almost forgot completely about it..but i was thinking about it tonight and i still am having a hard time getting past the surface wants..the easy wants...im afraid i guess to look any deeper into what i truly want ...how would things be different for me then..how would i really see things? because i think underneath it all im not real sure what i want..or even how i want things to be different..i want to be happy is my catch all..i can say it an imply so many different things..who ever i tell it to can imply there own meanings i guess..but i really have a hard time figuring out what i want out of life..what i want with my miracle..
so..
if i woke up tomorrow and had a miracle..what would it look like?
well i do want to have a house..i want to be comfortable..i want to live in a safe place..and some how i have labeled alsaka as being completely safe..because its completely removed in a way..you cant just take a trip to alaska..you have to plan and prepare..and really just want to go..but just a safe place..i would want to wake up without my scars..and i would have my sister back..i would have love and support but i dont know from where yet..because i dont want to be married..im not even sure i want kids in my miracle world..but i do want love and support and acceptance..dusti would be there of course..with my penguin..but what else? i would be comfortable talking and being..and i would remember my life..that would be pretty nice to wake up too..a new world..a new start in a way...but maybe im looking at it the wrong way..i look at my scars some days and hate them and wish they would go away..but ive looked at them long enough to know that i may not be as comfortable without them..i dont know how to be without them i guess..so maybe i just want to be okay with them and not really get rid of them..or have them go away..i just want to be normal i guess..but theres no such thing as normal..and its hard to explain ..i want to be able to wake up in the morning and not wish i was dead before i even make it out of bed..i want to not worry about everything ..i want to be able to deal with myself and what i think and feel without freaking out or ignoring it..i want to like myself and who i am..and be okay with it..and not wish to be like everyone else..i dont want to stand out.but i want to be noticed..i want to be needed..and i guess im not really talking about a miracle anymore..this is just how i wish things could be..safe and removed..i dont know..guess ive gone and side tracked myself ...
guess ill talk about other things for a little bit..
its been raining here for like the past 3 days..its miserable..and cold..i even wore a jacket today! a real one..it was so cold..i finally went and ran errands today..got some things paid..went to the store..traveled richmond a little big..found some new areas kinda..sent mommy some money..and she was upset that i didnt send more..but i couldnt..so oh well..trying not to stress to much about that..but money really is worrying me..just more so because of going home twice next week and having to you know need gas money and money for food and everything..so just worried you know..im excited to see linda next week also..i want her..to see her and talk to her and just be back in her office..i miss seeing her..
the depression is still really really hard right now..but i have an appt with a new pdoc in dec..so hopefully it will be straightened out soon..
just kinda all over the place right now i think..i napped earlier and woke up feeling so out of it..i am proud of myself i guess for getting out today and getting stuff done..i know im isolating myself big time..but i dont want to be bothered..i dont want to be around anyone..and that would be how i know the depression is an issue again..i was doing better you know..a little bit better anyway..but im working the next three days and so ill be around ppl a lot..but now in my time off i just need to be alone..and have quiet...im in the house alone and still it feels loud..and not quiet..i dont know..
im kinda looking forward to parts of next week..im going home monday and tuesday to see linda nad my sister..and im staying at my sisters place..mommy doesnt even know ill be in town..which im fine with..less to stress about you know..i asked my sister to not let mommy know..and she hasnt ..and its not like im gonna tell her..but then i come back to va for work ..and then friday i head home again..and will be home until monday..which i really am worried about..just being back at home and feeling trapped again and everything..i hope it goes ok and that ill have enough to keep me busy and just kinda ok..but i dont know..its all so hard some days..and i know i have to go cas i said i was and i do miss the kids and seeing everyone..and just a change of scenery will be good right now i think..especially with feeling so depressed lately..so ill deal with to the best of my ability..and just hope i handle it...and if nothing else i can always go and stay at my sisters place again..if i really truly cant deal with being at home..
but i guess thats all for now..i think im all written out for the night. but im feeling a bit calmer ..so i guess i really have needed to write
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