going home :(

its upsetting though..that the fear of going home is still there..that im still afraid and pressured to be at home and to be good i guess...i have to portray that im good and fine and happy, that i love being here and everything is working out great..im not allowed to be anything else at home..i hate the shifts it causes inside..just to be at home and to be ok enough to get through being at home..its only 3 days.you would think from the anxiety and stress that i was going home forever :'( :snoopy i hate that i need help just to be at home for 3 days..i just hate all of it right now..im sorry i said i would be home because now im just freaking out about it..so many expectations that i cant liive up to but i keep trying to..ive been pretty low key with dealing with myself lately but within the past couple hours..some pretty mean things are back in the head and its like i have to be not confident about anything to go home..just to prepare to be told that i cant do anything right..that i should be doing so much more..that im not living up to expectations well enough..i need to try harder..i need to work harder and do more..prove i am capable to live on my own..im not good enough ok i know that..but going home means that i have to live it..i go back to judging everything there is to judge about myself..what i wear, i what eat, what i have..what i need to do..what i should be doing..im not trying hard enough, i need to be happier.. i should be all of this stuff that im not and its like ive failed before i even get anywhere...im depressed before i even make it out of the house to go home..and then i have an entire 4 hour drive to think and worry and stress about all of it before i even get home.its like if i can make myself feel bad enough before i even get to mommy then whatever she does wont be able to hurt that much..i am better at it than her..ive had loads of time to practice what works and doesnt work for making me feel horrible..and i know how to get it started but its much harder to turn it back off and leave it alone when im not around mommy..i dont want to be reminded that im not good enough or that im bad or flawed in some way..it makes me tired..and i dont know..because its just i know i shouldnt do it..let myself get caught in the cycle of being so mean to myself..i know i shouldnt..i know ways to avoid it..but as soon as its started in conjunction with going home..the rules change and it doesnt matter what i do to myself as long as i keep up the idea that im fine and great and happy..no room for sadness or fear..there just isnt..its like being able to turn on a light swtich in my head whenever i need something to change or something to happen..cas ill freak out until i actually get home and then its like a huge game starts and i have to refigure out the rules before im killed..maybe not killed but its not like im the best at judging how far i can let things go before i start pulling back from myself...thats all it is..a game that has to be figured out..its not about winning even..its back surviving long enough to get out again..3 days is an eternity at home.. a lot can be said in 3 days..and not much of it will be good if its coming from mommy..being able to sink back into kid mode is not always a good thing..it really isnt..

jls